Monday, June 11, 2001

For My Sweet Zachary

You came into my life as such a surprise,
At a time when my hope was all but gone.
The universe knew this.
It gave you to me as its gift.

To tell me to keep on....
To have hope...
To keep my heart open...
To remain loving, caring, committed...
No matter what the world throws my way.

I was terrified.
Afraid I would not be good enough,
For you,
To you,
With you.

This tiny life inside of me
Continued to grow each day.
And I remained amazed that my body
Could and would sustain such a miracle.
I was profoundly touched
That the universe believed I deserved such honor
To be chosen as your mother.

You arrived eight days early.
And I was giddy with excitement
As I labored to bring your life
Into this world,
To begin your journey
As an independent human being.

And when first I held you,
I'd never seen anything so beautiful
In all of my life.
And I cried that you were mine.
That the waiting was over
And you were here.

For me to love,
To hold,
To nurture,
To protect,
To teach,
To learn to let go.

We have so many years
Of this journey ahead of us.
And already
I've learned so much.
I've learned what really matters.
You are here,
You are safe,
You are healthy,
You are beautiful and happy.

And I've learned
That for now,
Loving you
Is all that I really need to do
To be enough.

I love you Zachary Ryan,
Now and always.

–Love, Mommy
June 11, 2001

Sunday, March 11, 2001

Affirmations from "End The Struggle And Dance With Life" by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.

Life is beautiful, I have it all. But even in the sunshine, one has to cry sometimes.

It's all happening perfectly.

I am enough.

No matter what life decides to hand me, I'll handle it.

Find the blessing. Find the lesson to be learned. Find the strength you never thought you had. Find the triumph.

We were born to learn, to grow, to expand, to love, to create, to enjoy, to see the beauty in all things–including ourselves. But we weren't born to be perfect!

The only thing we can effectively control is our reactions to whatever life hands us.

Use and enjoy that which enriches your life. Let go of that which is just excess baggage.

If you are not enjoying yourself, you are wasting your time!

Taking things for granted is one of the greatest assaults on the quality of our lives.

When we focus on abundance, our life feels abundant; when we focus on lack, our life feels lacking. It is simply a matter of focus.

If we saw ourselves as perpetual beginners, we would be much kinder to ourselves.

Humor creates a shift in perception that allows us to center ourselves in a powerful place.

Spiritual growth is not a destination. It is a forever process of learning and expanding and exploring and discovering.

Trust you know what is right for you at any particular time.

If you haven't made any mistakes lately, you must be doing something wrong!

Embrace the journey...embrace who you are...embrace all there is...

Thursday, August 24, 2000

Old Guest Book

Take a look at who else has been here and what they had to say.

Maxine - 08/24/00 17:35:43
Your locale: MA

Amy- I don't even know where to start! First, I applaud your courage in sharing your most intimate thoughts. I could tell you how completely impressed I am with your writing style and your ability to "paint" a picture, but anything I could possibly try to convey would fall grossly short of what I am REALLY trying to say. I also express my thoughts best on "paper", many of yours are synonymous with my own. I am hopeful that you will find the inner peace and satisfaction with yourself that you are seeking! I look forward to getting to know you better. Maxine

Tina - 04/25/00 04:05:13
Your locale: Illinois

Great page...You sure have opened up your heart..

Connie - 04/18/00 18:03:44
Your locale: Illinois

Great site!!

Theresa Langerman - 03/23/00 19:13:12
Your locale: LaJolla, CA

Hello Amy: I am an incest survivor and was looking for some information and clicked onto your site. While I did not have time to view everything what I did see was quite nice. My best to you. God bless. Theresa

Don - 12/28/99 15:51:57
Your locale: Bedford, Mass

Hey, I saw your picture in Yahoo Profiles. I just think you're a really good looking girl. That's all. Have a nice day. -Don

Steve Clark - 12/13/99 02:48:19
Your locale: Tallmadge Ohio

Great Music!! Great message too!!

John Veneruso - 10/25/99 05:48:21
Your locale: Portland, OR

I stumbled onto the guest book page while doing a bit of web surfing on this very quiet evening. Flashing to your home page to see what all this wonderful sentiment was all about was well rewarded. I enjoyed the poetry, the perception of life that you have, the warmth that is somehow able to come through the Internet, and all without those cheesy emoticons, just words that carry real meaning. Thanks for making my quiet evening, in what is usually a very rambunctious life, special. John Veneruso

prybear - 10/02/99 14:34:02
Your locale: RAF Fairford, England


Shaune - 09/07/99 20:41:40
Your locale: By your side

Amy I am glad I have had the chance to meet you, and hope we become lasting friends. You are an amazing person!

dag-fourty9 - 07/29/99 11:50:05

Amy, you have a wonderful, pristine way with words, and I enjoyed all your poems very much. It was nice to watch you grow from early darkness in to the light of a love that you obviously enjoy sharing with that special person in your life...I wish you nothing but happiness....

Charlene - 07/01/99 07:57:14
Your locale: CT

AMY...Where do I begin. I have known you for over 7 years now and I think you are the one true best friend I have. I have seen you overcome the hurdles in your life. And you have cleared them by far. I have seen you grow in a way that inspires me. I love you to death! Knowing what you have been through and seeing how successful you have made your life become is amazing. You're not afraid to look honestly within yourself, you're always making yourself better. If you improve yourself anymore, I think you ought to start bottling whatever you have so the rest of us can make ourselves as special as you are. You are a very generous and caring person. (Of course I could go on.) I would be lost if I didn't have you for a friend. Even though I don't talk too much, get just enough out for you to make me feel better. You have always said that things are not always what they appear to be with me, and for you to stop and look further, I thank you. When you ask someone how they are doing, you really want to know and will take the time to listen. I just think you are the best. I know there are some miles between us now, but that will not stop our friendship. (Thank God for the internet!) I remember when we lived on Edna Ave, those were some fun times together. Kind of like living in a dorm. Some hard times too, but look at you. You are absolutely beautiful!!! I am honored by your friendship. Thank you for being so giving to me. I love you and miss you. Love always...ME

Terri - 05/28/99 12:29:33
Your locale: Colorado

I've read and re-read your writings this quiet morning, and I must say I am inspired. I wish you so much happiness! Love ya!

Jodi Dorval - 05/25/99 15:16:38

Hi Amy. This website is great. You're poems are wonderful...

Lee...aka.. Unnie - 05/05/99 20:23:46
Your locale: CT..

Hey Sweet Girl... I just had to take a quick minute to tell you how awesome and wonderful you are and how much you do for me, you may not know it, but you are a big help to me, I look at where you are and what you have been through and it gives me hope.. Also I just looked through your pages here... and that gives me hope too :) I'm just starting out and I see now how far I still have to go.. hehehe.. Take care .. I miss you!! .. And love you!!!

Your boss - 03/19/99 09:28:45
Your locale: Woodbridge

Hard to say . . . very, very interesting and deep stuff.

Lisa (aka Lemonlime_01) - 03/08/99 03:44:04
Your locale: Kingston, Massachusetts9but you know that

Hi Amy!..I"ve been working on my site a little and I needed a I figured I'd pop in on your place and see what's going on..I love it! Oh and thanks for commenting on my "Lover's Lane" piece..that was one of the readings at my wedding fitting for the relationship Scott and I have..Ok well I'm going to go pop into Shady's site..Take Care HUGS..oh and PS..where have you been?? :-)

Mom - 02/20/99 22:27:42
Your locale: Hobbs, NM

Dearest Amy, I have spent today (Saturday, February 20, 1999) perusing your website. I am glad I "fastened my seatbelt"! It was quite a "ride," but one well worth taking. I even enjoyed it! As I said in the e-mail, it is written with such thought, intelligence, care a d sensitivity. The website is YOU--all the wounds you suffered during childhood and adolescence, your deep hurts, your sorrow, your loneliness, your pain. I apologize for all the pain for which I was the source. How I wish I could change those years! But, regretfully I cannot. Thankfully you are (were) a survivor, and I very much admire that quality in you. I am proud of you. But you are more than a survivor. Your story is a beautiful one of recovery. You are a lovely young woman--intelligent, loving, sensitive, and caring, a beautiful human being. In my opinion your story is an inspiration. Yes, I flinched as I read some of the material, the older writings. Nothing was "new," but it brought back terrible memories and hurt, especially the effects of your childhood upon you. And yes, I cried. I had o walk away from the computer a few times. But I came back! Your recent reflections, however, offer so much love and hope to everyone who has been damaged as a child...and by life itself. I admire your "bold" statements about life and love. You state your feelings so beautifully. I admire that which I cannot do so easily...nor so well. When I got to the part about "My Mom," I wept. It took quite awhile to get back my "grip." Thank you so much. It is the most beautiful writing for me to treasure the rest of my life. It meant the world to me. I feel like I am babbling and not saying everything I want to say. However, please know I love you very much, and I am very proud of you. You have worked so hard to get your life together...and it is together. I am delighted you have found the love of your life. Enjoy him to your heart's content! He'd just better be good to my Ames! My best wishes for your continued love of living...and sharing it with others. I love you very much, Amy, and I always shall. Love always, (hugs and kisses) Mom

chitra - 02/19/99 19:28:26
Your locale: india

HAI Really i impressed of your writing.When i oppened your homepage i startedwith disinterestingly but really i impressed because i also feel the samething. i also have friend because of sheela only i am speaking with u now.i want tobe u r friend. is it possi le. bye bye chitra

Extreme - 01/17/99 02:41:18

Nice page very peaceful.

Ginny - 01/10/99 16:30:31
Your locale: Southern California

I finally made the time to read all of your poetry and thoughts and all I can say is WOW Amy!...your truly a beautiful person for sharing this with all of us! I too have had my share of living in the dark so I know what it takes to survive it and I admire your courage, determination, and wonderful attitude through it all!!! Your an inspiration and I would be blessed to know you better :))) Will stay in touch *HUGS* Ginny

Kevin - 12/17/98 14:51:41

This is a wonderful web site, please continue. You are an inspiration.

mike..aka daffyd - 11/22/98 20:48:26
Your locale: in front of my keybaord

WOW!...Amy i was just goofin around in chat this Sunday, and flippin to game to game on the tv when i came upon your floored me. It made me stop and just think. I hope that a fraction of your courage and strength rubs off on me. Along w/ some bet er spellin (i could use it:))...catch ya some time latter :)

Rosemary - 11/11/98 16:20:51
Your locale: Taunton

Amy... You are an incredible woman. My heart fills up with love and respect for you and everything you have gone through. I feel blessed to know you. I believe that we meet people in our lives for reasons, sometime we aren't aware of them until they hav left us. You are here for me to show me how wonderful life can be and how much love can really be shared. You are becoming a true friend to me and I am grateful everyday that we talk and know we are there for each other. I love you. *****HUGS******

Rob Westling - 11/09/98 22:43:30
Your locale: Gloucester, MA

Dear Amy, Hey baby, just wanted to reread everything that you have here...trying to get to know you even better than I did before. I love you darling, and you are always a very special woman to me. Can't wait to see you and talk to you. I miss you sooo much all the hard to be far from you! Well, I will talk to you soon. Take care my darling. Rob

Nancy - 11/04/98 12:28:48
Your locale: New Bedford

Hi Amy !! You have an awsome page !!! Gee, puts mine to shame !! *LOL* You did a great job !! keep up the good work !!!

George Willard - 10/14/98 03:07:57
Your locale: Orange, Mass

Hi, Amy just had to visit again and printed some of your poems for my neighbor, she likes them and they help her through the tough times, I wonder how many others you've helped by sharing your life and thought with us. I think that you're one great lady and bestest bud. see you soon, George Ps just re read the last entry and saw that it looked as if I was claiming input into your poems. couldn't let that remain unrepaired, so this will, hopefully, clear that typo up. love, me

George Willard - 10/14/98 03:03:49
Your locale: Orange, Mass

Hi, Amy just had to visit again and printed some of our poems for my neighbor, she likes them and they help her through the tough times, I wonder how many others you've helped by sharing your life and thought with us. I think that you're one great lady and bestest bud. see you soon, George

29Debbie/DjStorms - 09/05/98 11:36:21
Your locale: Virginia

Ame? Where have ya been? I have missed chatting w/ you. Hope Life is treating you great, as you deserve it. drop me an email and let me know how you're doing. Love ya and miss the hell outta ya.

Terri - 08/26/98 15:29:49
Your locale: Colorado

I haven't been here in a while, I had some reading to catch up on. I know your heart, Amy, and I appreciate what you've written. God speed.

flashx3 - 08/25/98 18:47:55
Your locale: Houston, TX

Amelar, It has been a long time since I have seen you and I thought I would stop in and say howdy in your guest book. I noticed you like art, and thought I send you the URL of a friend of mine. Check it out, if he is good enough for you, maybe you could send some folks his way?

George Willard - 08/25/98 02:49:51
Your locale: Orange, Mass

Amy, I was hard pressed to be able to see what I was reading through the tears for the hurt you've been through. You've got a beautiful site, and you're a beautiful lady in all ways. I'm PROUD to be your friend, George

Patty - 08/05/98 23:51:42
Your locale: SW Mo

Hello, Amy, your words touched my heart.....I love your writing, it was is so passionate. I found you thru Wellesley and am glad to have you as a neighbor and a sister.

Baddisk - 07/24/98 00:52:39

Hi, dunno if you remember me from yahoo or not. was leafing thru my favorites folder and saw your page, great one BTW. Havent seen you in Hoo lately and just wanted to say hi

peggy meeks-king - 06/05/98 19:41:34

i really like your homepage and music very nice- please come and enjoy my poetry at the site above--i found your homepage in losthallow's guestbook please sign my dreambook-at my poetry site ! peggy ~peace~

Ginny - 05/12/98 01:55:39
Your locale: California

I've only had the chance to talk with you a couple of times and don't know you very well but I think your a sweet person and you've done a great job on your page!! You have many beautiful thoughts that you have shared on your page and I, for one, got alot out of it and I thank you... :-) DesertSun

Baycolour - 05/02/98 20:49:53
Your locale: Maryland

oh Amy this is the most touching site I have ever seen. Your writings are sooo wonderful, so, so true, almost like you have a window into a part of my life. Sure have missed seeing you in yahoo, hope to real soon!! Keep up the great work!

Warren Willard - 05/02/98 19:05:57
Your locale: Wendell Mass.

thanks for this chance to get to know where you come from, and where you are going. I look forward to having long discussions with you. I am sure that between us, we can help ourselves grow a little bit.

Lance Spotted Elk - 04/20/98 03:10:28
Your locale: Boston, Mass.

Hi Amy...this is Bo____ (or one of my chat aliases anyway). Just thought I'd drop a line and say hi and cool web page. Very thought out and nice. See you online sometime.... --Bo

Peg (P.A. Barnes) - 03/31/98 18:45:00
Your locale: Virginia

Your site has really grown. I was deeply touched by your writing.....thank you.

MrsBou - 03/24/98 09:36:11
Your locale: Michigan

Amy, I tried to link up to Spots Really god gifs and to Graphics Boutique. Could get to neither. Not sure if the problem is in their page or what. Just wanted to let you know. Hope you are doing well.

Jammer - 03/18/98 00:56:48
Your locale: Charleston, SC

Amy, I’m glad I stumbled into your pages. It’s obvious that your writings were written with so much true emotion. So much emotion, in fact, that someone would have to have a heart of stone not to be touched in some way. I truly enjoyed my visit. I wish you all the best.

susan - 03/11/98 22:49:21
Your locale: earth

Hey Amy, I'm glad I got a chance to see how you've been developing the site - it looks SO cool! And your picture is so pretty. I have big news, Amy...but I'll send that via reg email. First, tho, I'm going to go back & peruse your latest writing...Keep up the g od work! Love, Susan

Merri - 03/11/98 17:23:10

Thank you for visiting my site and I have now visited yours...I like what you have accomplished here :)

yourdesire - 03/02/98 13:51:22

okeys, ames i am...came back just for you! see how much i love ya?? Re-read the whole page too...makes me happy you're here with us, and i'm glad you're in my life...i DO love ya hun...cya soon... penny

mys_ - 02/26/98 21:12:13
Your locale: windsor, ontario

i loved your page

baddisk - 02/18/98 01:53:01

great page hon youre such a sweet spirit i really have enjoyed chatting with you in yahoo

Maggie - 02/16/98 06:23:47

Love ya AMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what a great home page.. you'll have to teach me how to do this.. oh yeah and Tom too!! HAPPY late late SUNDAY or early MONDAY!!!

Robin - 02/15/98 04:54:06
Your locale: Michigan

Amy, i think you and I are more alike than you know. Your work here is beautiful, touching and in some ways disturbing to me. Only because, it hits so close to home. I am honored that you think of me as your friend,and i treasure that. your friendship s good for me, helps me to remember about being grateful. I hope I bring to you as a friend some part of me that can be helpful to you. your friend, Robin

AsterdiS - 02/13/98 03:30:59
Your locale: One Sherwood Forest

An endless journey, an infinite cycle.

Terri - 02/09/98 13:43:02
Your locale: Grasslands

Hey...just checked back...regarding your periodic ramblings dated 2/8 - RIGHT ON!!!! It's sad but true...Ahh what a far far better world we would live in if people wouldn't be so afraid of what they feel! HUGS!

Connie - 02/08/98 18:09:03
Your locale: Texas!

I'm finally here to sign your book! You have a great site with lots of interesting and fun links.

29Debbie - 02/08/98 17:32:55
Your locale: virginia

Ame: WOW! this is the most touching page I have ever read. I had to make this a favorite page. You are a very strong woman as I can see bye the writing of this page. You have put alot of yourself in here. This page is very inspiring to me as a woman. I w ll be back here often. You keep that head up hon. you are an inspiration to other women around the world. Love the page. hugs you oh so tight. love ya ames.

Toysupraman - 02/06/98 04:49:44
Your locale: Maryland

I like the layout of your page. I know this is my third time here. First time singing your book. I never say it before. lol.. I do love the title and the Layout. Keep working at it. Hugs

Kevin - 02/04/98 15:31:48
Your locale: San Diego, Ca.

Amy, cool page. It has made me see that I guess I'm a messed up as I thought I was. Hugs and kisses Kman

Boston Dave - 02/04/98 14:58:19
Your locale: Massachusetts

Hi Amy You have a great page. Very very thought provoking and a pleasure to read. Keep it up. smiles. I'll see you around Boston chat I hope. smiles BIG HUG!!! SMOOOCH!!!!! Dave PS you're a cutie. ;-)

Shoshonie777 - 02/02/98 01:20:40
Your locale: Upstate NY

Amy, I truly enjoyed your page. Very heart warming. Girl you have come along way and it is my pleasure to know you. Our meeting will be soon. Can't wait.....:) Hugs Shona-Lee

Toysupraman - 02/01/98 15:55:14
Your locale: Maryland

This is a very well done Page. I enjoyed reading about you and your thoughts. Very sweet and touching.

Dominique78 - 01/28/98 21:47:35
Your locale: Missouri

Dear Amy, I am sitting here reading about you and crying.. WoW--how courageous you are to share your life with us--I am so glad to have met you and could tell you were a special person the first time we chatted--Will be seeing you around chat-- I think you are a wonderful and warm human being--thanks for being a friend to me!!! Love ya' Dom

Matthew aka Dawg - 01/25/98 04:20:00
Your locale: Lost in Iowa

Ames I Love your pages and was pleasantly surprised to see how much of yourself went into these pages. What I see here shows that you are a very centered individual and I like your attitude...all in all I must say it is one of the best personal homepages I have ever visited as you have not only put much effort and thought into these pages you have also put alot of yourself there and I must re-iterate and say I am impressed (((((((((((Ames))))))))))) Madd_Dawg33 aka Matt

Aamer - 01/22/98 09:53:16
Your locale: London, UK

Hi Ames, I finally found your guestbook. Thanks again for sharing your hope page with me :-))

BlackWidow001 - 01/22/98 02:10:57

Amy....I had no idea of the past that you had. In your writings, I related to so much!!!! I too wrote when I was younger. That was my way of releasing my pain, anger, loneliness, etc. I wish today that I never burned them. Then again, maybe I don't wa t to remember the past like that. I have made amends with my parents. My ex is a different story...and now, my husband....We are having such a bad time. Your writings brought tears to my eyes. It's funny today I was told that I needed to start keeping a journal. I will keep these writings. Thanks for sharing....Keep that chin up....the happiness that you deserve will be yours....

Kd_kid - 01/22/98 01:38:35
Your locale: Calif...get me out!

Ame! brought Blackwidow by to see your page and WOW has it changed since i saw it last november! it looks GREAT! COOL BEANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will have to take a day off work just to catch up on the reading!....miss ya...luv ya!

Carey - 01/19/98 04:18:11
Your locale: Tupelo, MS

Hi Amy.. What a wonderful and fascinating page you have created. I really didnt have the time to look at all of it the way I wanted to, but i will come back and check the rest of it out when i do have the time. Keep up the great work!!

Ron - 01/17/98 02:43:44

Amy, Sorry I din't take the time to sign yout guest book before, it was below all the friends-links, (true but weak excuse). Not sure how many times I have been here before. Always interesting, everytime I look see something different. Everytime read what I had read before, I see it in a different light. Reminds me of what a professor once said about hearing/reading and perception. It depends in the frame of mind, and past experiences of the audience (listener/reader) and that moment can not be duplicated exactly, as the audience will have had new sights in her/his life journey exp's in the mean time. Ron (justabubbba) (quite the wors-smith you are (write poetry/songs?) You are one interesting person. Quite a writer, and have interesting fascinating thoughts

Becky - 01/16/98 17:47:55
Your locale: nebraska

Hi Amy. I really miss Yahoo chat since hub disabled it, and just stopped by today to say hi to you. I hope you are well and happy. I have been busy, as usual, working. Please greet all the chat friends for me, and write me back if you get the time. Becky PS really enjoy this web site, beautiful music and poetry

Loyd Rawlings - 01/16/98 02:53:47
Your locale: Missouri

This is a very cool website thanks for inviting me. You are very creative and caring person. @)-------,-----'------- Thank you again!

Lacy - 01/12/98 01:09:13
Your locale: VA

HI AMES!!! GREAT PAGE!!! I havent read it all but will definitely be coming back!! You sound like a very strong person and always keep up hope you will someday meet that right person!!! LOVE YA Lacy

Upstate_red - 01/05/98 16:17:00
Your locale: NY

Dear Amy, What can I say, tears again. Just can't believe the life you have had to experience. I guess I take the wonderful upbringing I had for granted although I do believe after visiting yours and Lynn's I will not anymore. Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to visit your page. Love and Prayers, Janet

Mollie - 01/02/98 05:24:49
Your locale: N.C.

I loved your hp I can identify with alot of your words. I just joined the ladies of Wellesley Ring that's how I found your page please visit my page if you have the time. Thanks for sharing your life..:0)

Mike - 01/02/98 02:23:26
Your locale: Connecticut

Thank you for the chat on New Years' morning, lol. You are a very special person. Thanks for everything.

SPICE - 01/01/98 22:08:15
Your locale: canada

hi! great lookin page, nice job.

Gordana - 12/31/97 07:53:16

Dear Amy...i visited your site beautiful and inspiring as ever.A friend wrote few lines i'd like to share them with you: Life is very short, and we are fragile creatures. Our hearts were meant to be filled with love, not hate; joy and not sorrow. So please, stop today and take time to tell just one person that your life is better because they are a friend. Your friend Sweet_ie32

Minxus - 12/28/97 09:09:33

What a touching homepage. Feel as though i could have written some of it myself. Thank you for sharing it with me and trusting me with the information it holds.

Lynn - 12/27/97 16:42:26

hi amy, Very nice site..i wish i was there to give you a big hug!! I hope to meet with you someday.. Love, Roberta

Amanda Lane - 12/25/97 02:01:17
Your locale: FL

Very nice page.

Michael - 12/23/97 00:38:48
Your locale: KY.

I can't get over just how much I am overwhelmed with this woman, someone so open, so honest, so inspiring, I hope everyone who will visit this site will take the time and read it..I am speechless..... Mike.

Terri - 12/20/97 22:27:37
Your locale: Planet Earth at this time.

The music has added more charm to your page. I enjoyed catching up on somethings that I had missed in visits past! Like you said, this is and will continue to be a work in progress! Keep up the good work! T

Pickles - 12/20/97 08:42:30
Your locale: Louisiana

Hi Amy. I am really impressed with your page. It is coming along really well. Much better than mine was a month old. Keep up the good work. Thank you for visiting me and come back soon because I have made some updates. Here is a humor link for your page. Stay Together! Pickles

Susan, Queen of Frogs - 12/16/97 00:13:46
Your locale: terra firma

Hi there Amy! The site looks so fabulous - you've added so much since I last visited. The picture is gorgeous - what I would give to see that much green again! Things here are predictably chaotic. That's Christmastime in retail - if you're lucky. I h pe you're doing well & getting lots of deserved praise for all you've done here. I'm off to do some xmas shopping now (what, me worry?!). I'm sure the mall will be a delight. Talk to you soon, lots o'luv, Susan

Xenia (aka Xurer) - 12/13/97 13:48:25
Your locale: Philippines

Amy, What can I say? I've been touched...transported... and even drowned in your profound thoughts. I wish I were as eloquent about expressing myself. One thing sure..i'll be like the energizer reverse...keep on coming..coming...and coming back to this page. Thanks for sharing yourself and your thoughts with the world. Xenia

michael - 12/12/97 02:50:27
Your locale: maryland

I really love you recent writings Amy but you should date them dear.All I can say is WOW!!!!!!!!!! you do have style.........................

Gordon B. Thomas - 12/11/97 04:14:08
Your locale: Bridgeport,CT 06606

Bravissimo!! Most informative, revealing and well done. Gordon

Deb - 12/04/97 21:18:26

Wonderful web page, Amy. I haven't yet had time to explore your writings, but I wanted to let you know that I appreciate you sharing yourself in such a way. More after my next visit . . .

Becky Ferguson - 12/02/97 15:49:38
Your locale: Lincoln, NE

very nicely done . Beautiful poetry thank you for sharing this with me. Rnfinely

Sandy - 11/30/97 06:34:50
Your locale: California

Amy ...Once again I find myself at your site... I read your newest poems and loved them all..I also read what you wrote about yourself (a little bit about me) It brought me to tears...We do have so very much in common...You like me find a release in words ..I have just started writing poems not to many months ago..I've always loved to write but just in a journal...Writing poems for me has brought alot of healing ..As I see it has also with you..Thanks for being who you are...You are truly a great writer.. You write from the heart....Take good care ..Sandy

Pete - 11/29/97 13:28:25
Your locale: CT

Amy, I was blown away by your page. We have know each other for about 6 months now and I thought you were a wonderful person back then, after reading your poems and thoughts of the day I see an inner beauty in you that others I'm sure would love to be able to have or do and just don't know how to find it. Hopefully your page will help others find there own inner beauty. Reading all this just makes me so proud of you, and lucky to be able to call you a friend.

Mr Grace - 11/28/97 11:50:19

Hi there, really cool homepage Amy. Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. see ya soon Love You know who

Skye_71 (aka Daisy) - 11/26/97 13:47:00
Your locale: Perth, Western Australia

Amy, fantastic page!! Really interesting... thanks!

michael - 11/26/97 04:18:47
Your locale: Maryland

now this is a site that can be held up as an example what we all should strive for Amy I am really impressed with the layout and the writing...I found this through sandolees site hope it was okay for me to visit as it was quite enjoyable seeeeee yaaaaaa

Sandy - 11/21/97 04:14:48
Your locale: California

Hello!!! I loved your poems i spent a long while here...I love to read good writing and yours is truly that ....write some more.... I'll come back again ...Take care ..Sandy

Sandy - 11/20/97 03:39:57
Your locale: California

Hey there ...Super page lots of cool graphics and just chucked full of information ...I'll come on back to check it out some more *SMILE* Cya Sandy

Mike Poe - 11/15/97 19:43:19
Your locale: United States

You've been really busy on this site in the last week. I'm very impressed. Love your poetry.

morpheus28m - 11/13/97 17:18:08
Your locale: twilight zone

amy...sigh...what can i say??? i was truly moved and touched. Sometimes its so easy to forget that there are real souls in cyberspace. But yours is truly a beautiful yet tragic one....just remember Frost's words..."i took the road less traveled by, and it made all the difference..." You truly have the soul of a poet. Keep looking for the ferryman amy....he will arrive.....barrie

Observer_97 - 11/13/97 15:38:29
Your locale: The best place possible - right where I am!!!

one word - WOW! Nice job. Wish I had more time to look at it before commenting, but hey when have I ever exercised self control when feeling the need to do something. You inspire me to put something together too....... love ya bunch :-)

PaBarnes - 11/13/97 12:39:37
Your locale: Tampa, FL

I'm for the content, I will comment further when I have had a chance to read more

Maggie&Tom - 11/13/97 04:28:37
Your locale: Canada eh!!!

AMES!!!!!! Holy jumpins... Way to go girl!!! This is fabulous darlin' ... love all those little pink wiggly thingys. You are going to have to show me how to do this you know that right!!!! Love you lots.. you are an inspiration and a wonderful friend.. and I love ya!!! (ps so does Tom) xxxxooooo and Meta, and Chelsea and Karsten (oh,,, and Otter too)

Accidentalangel - 11/13/97 01:07:58
Your locale: Perth, Western Australia

Comments: have succeeded in putting a bit of yourself more people can come to know you as I do. HUG I'll be back!!!

Susan Rukeyser - 11/12/97 22:41:54
Your locale: planet earth

Amy, I LOVE it. I think you've shared a precious part of yourself & it will change how many people think about their own lives. You've shown us how someone who's seen such debilitating darkness can come back. I have always been proud of you for that, & it makes me so happy to see that you're proud of yourself too. Congrats on producing this site. I know it will bring good things to anyone who happens upon it. Love, Susan

kd kid - 11/12/97 16:07:28

Comments: more 'about ame' and the poems...had NO idea ame....could not tell your past because of who you are in the have come a very long are truly beautiful! *hugs*

kd_kid - 11/12/97 15:57:27
Your locale: stuck in southern ca

i want a home page too! hugs to you....very far a lot to see...will finish looking later!

Scott Drager - 11/12/97 11:41:13
Your locale: Rockford,IL

Looks REAL good!

Rob-o - 11/11/97 18:19:59
Your locale: You know

Very well done. Background is a touch busy for dark text on the home page. And your Site listing by address through Geocities says ******... thought you didnt want that??? Later, dahling!

Mike - 11/11/97 01:20:49
Your locale: Colorado

I really enjoyed your poetry on your page.I will keep checking the progress ...good job!

Terri - 11/11/97 01:17:57
Your locale: Co-Co-Cold-Colorado!

Beautiful! And I really mean that!

Friday, December 3, 1999

The Struggle for Control

I find myself struggling in the war against accept myself, to appreciate who I am, and to see the beauty and goodness in myself. My struggles lately are of self-hatred and loathing of the lack of self-control I seem to have with food, exercise, the things that I prided myself so much on. This time a year ago I had so much more that made me feel positive about who I am. I was independent, I was fit, and I was taking care of myself. And today, well today I feel slovenly and fat, and unable to regain control of my body, my habits, and get myself back to a place that I can be proud of. I'm not sure why it is I've gotten so far from that place of self-confidence and self-assurance. And what terrifies me most is how that is changing my relationship with the man I love. My self-esteem and confidence are low, and I have difficulty believing his sincerity that the weight I have gained has no bearing on how he feels about me, how attracted to me he is or is not. To me, it is all I can is just short of being all that I am. I can't imagine that it isn't first and foremost in his mind. I realize in typing that how unbelievably shallow that sounds, but it's all that fills my mind. That I am not slim, I am not toned, my body is not defined, I'm not something he or I can feel proud of. My body is currently the result of poor eating habits, lack of self-control, and inactivity. I am not the person I was...and I don't know where she went. I am not the person I felt proud of, I am not the woman who felt accomplished and bright and funny and sexy. I am back to being dumpy and frumpy, and emotional and insecure. The word F.I.N.E. comes to mind. And all of this, well, all of this is most unattractive to a least that is what is in my mind. All of the things Rob fell in love with me for are not there anymore. I am becoming clingy and irritable and quite frankly, I don't think I would want to be around me, so why should he? And the worse my thoughts and moods and predicament become, the more convinced I become that he will eventually leave me, and the more I believe that, the more I seem to become someone who should be left. My actions and my words are not understanding and kind -- they come out sounding harsh and judgemental. I know they come from my fear of being hurt, of being left, of finally trusting someone again to really love me, only to find out one day that he can't stand to be with me anymore, or thinks I'm not worth the work, and he leaves. I'd rather be alone by my own hand than wait for that to happen. And I know this hurts Rob, to hear these things. I wish I could explain to him, somehow, that he might understand that it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. He seems to think that I would be better to at least have loved and been loved than to just walk away. And for me, I would rather die than be hurt again as I was before. Sometimes I miss the "comfortableness" of being with my ex-husband. I get trapped in the thought that he accepted me no matter what my weight or fitness. And then I realize that this is part of some distorted reality I'm dealing with. I think about the trade-offs made for that acceptance -- or so it seemed. I was accepted by a man (or is it really more that he would not leave the security of having me?) who was not there, who did things that hurt me very badly, who had so many troubles of his own he has struggled to get his own life in order. I guess I saw it as "you have your crap, I have mine, so I guess it's ok because we're both just messed up." It's as though his problems made my problems ok...neither one of us was really all that great of a catch at the time in many ways. I have a man now who that fell in love with a svelte, fit, sexy woman. A woman who was much more self-confident. I see Rob as normal, healthy, not having these sorts of obsessions and problems, and I feel convinced that the issues I have will eventually drive him away...he will think "I'm outta here're nuts." I am afraid I am becoming something he cannot and will not love -- and it has nothing to do with him. I am becoming someone/something that is crazy, annoying, irrational. I swore to myself I would never go through this again with my weight and my body. I swore that I would die before I would do this again. And here I am, struggling to regain some sense of control, and am at a loss for how to do that. My eating is compulsive. My knee does not tolerate exercise well anymore, yet I used to be able to push myself to exercise in spite of pain. I liked the results so much...I hated the exercise but loved what it did for me. I am at a loss...I don't know how to fix this...I don't know how to regain what I had, that drive, that motivation. I don't know how to become a woman I feel good about again. My urge and inclination are to push the world away and hole myself up somewhere. The only problem with that is that I know how lonely that becomes. So my choices now are deal with the fear, somehow, some way, or hide away. I'm not doing so well with the fear.

Monday, July 26, 1999

Thoughts on Love

Sometimes I sit here and think about you for what seems likes hours...and I smile to myself...because I think of your smile, your gentle touch, your sweet and soothing voice, your arms around me, or something silly you said or did, or that really cute grin you have when you know I am being evil in some way, and you want to know how. I think about kissing you, and how I get that warm rush when I think about being with you, or when I remember just how your touch felt to me. I wonder in amazement at your patience and understanding with me...and I wonder how I managed to be so incredibly did I manage to be the one you picked? I think about you and I start to cry with joy because you are everything I have ever hoped and dreamed for...and all the lonely times I spent no longer matter, because I held out...and it was not in vain. Yes indeed, sometimes I know just how blessed I am...and I am grateful, truly and deeply grateful for you. I love you Rob.

Wednesday, July 14, 1999

You are...

You are the relieving sigh
At the end of trying day.
You are the warmth of the sun
As it lights my face
In the crisp, clear, deep blue skies
Of a brisk autumn day.
You are the earthy, soothing, smoky smell
Of a fire burning in some distant hearth.
You are a cool, gentle breeze
On the hottest of summer days.
You are a warm, soft towel
Wrapped around a cool, wet body,
Providing dry warmth.

You are the smile on your little girl's face,
The twinkling light in her blue eyes,
The laughter that crosses her lips.
You are the golden glow of energy
That radiates from her tiny body.
You are her soft fingertips
Held gently against my cheek.
You are the awe and wonder
I see on her face,
Day after day.

You are my partner.
You are my passion.
You share my hopes and dreams.
You are my confidante.
You hear my deepest, darkest secrets.
You hear my fears.
You are the reason I can cry without worry.
You are the reason I feel safe at night.
You are the reason I feel loved.

You are the reason for my love.

Thursday, July 1, 1999

Some Days Are Just A Struggle

Though most of my days are pretty upbeat, from time to time I hit "patches" where my self-confidence wanes, my outlook is a bit more bleak than usual, and I get myself into a funk. I find myself in this state now...and I am struggling to rid myself of the mood, the melancholia, that is making me feel about as gray and chilled as the skies and climate outside my window.

I have recently made some pretty major changes in my life. About two months ago, I left my job of 4.5 years, picked up my belongings and a new state where a good job opportunity awaited me and where I would be much closer to the man I love and adore. The move itself, packing, changing utilities over and whatnot, was all very stressful...but I must admit, I find it less stressful than what I am experiencing now. The upheaval of my household was temporary...the bills are sort of dying down...financially things are beginning to fall back into place...the boxes are all gone...the pictures are all hung.

What I find most disturbing are two things. In my new job, which I do still believe to be a wonderful growth opportunity for me, I am not meeting my own expectations for learning and contributing to this company. What is more, I fear that I may not be meeting my employer's expectations either. That leaves me uncertain, my confidence a bit shaky. The training I was expecting has not really my supervisor told me the other day, they have sort of fallen short in that. My gut feeling though, is that their expectation of my "taking the ball and running with it" may have been a bit overzealous, but nonetheless they still expect I should be learning. I am not the best "self-taught" individual...I do not learn well with just a book in hand. I hope the chat my supervisor and I had is not an indication they are ready to "abandon ship" with me. I have never been fired and it is not something that I would like to experience...though I suppose if it happens, it was meant to be yet another learning experience for me and I will deal with. Thankfully I would not have to deal with it alone.

My second uneasiness comes from feeling a bit "lost" without my close and dear friends who were merely 10 minutes away before. We still keep in touch regularly...we probably actually communicate more now than we did before because we make a concerted effort to chat now and then. But I miss knowing that I can jump in my car and just drive 10 minutes and be having coffee with my closest friend. Charlene and her hubby Rich have been my touchstones for the past 7+ years...they have been there no matter what catastrophe or joy is heaped upon my doorstep. I have the support and love of Rob up here...without it, I would be lost. But I am missing those friends who are "mine" as I have yet to make any of my own living here. The friends that I do have here are, of course, valuable to me. Not to claim they are not cherished. But my sense of independence is lacking...I am not settled enough or not adventurous enough, I am not sure which yet. I am struggling to feel self-sufficient emotionally. That scares me...I do not want, nor do I think it is healthy, to rely on just one person for my emotional support. I realize it will take time to make new friends. And it is unrealistic to expect those friendships to be as tried and true, at least immediately, as those I have developed over the past 9 years.

I wonder sometimes if I have adequately expressed my gratitude for the friendships that I have. I hope that those I love, and who apparently love me, realize how much their words of encouragement and love mean to me right now. I find myself needing them so much.