tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5541396650478635382023-06-20T06:29:57.902-07:00Reflections of AmyAn archive of my previous website containing my poetry, musings, and inspirations.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.comBlogger72125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-64997421794418112102001-06-11T11:22:00.000-07:002009-03-11T11:23:24.568-07:00For My Sweet ZacharyYou came into my life as such a surprise,<br />At a time when my hope was all but gone.<br />The universe knew this.<br />It gave you to me as its gift.<br /><br />To tell me to keep on....<br />To have hope...<br />To keep my heart open...<br />To remain loving, caring, committed...<br />No matter what the world throws my way.<br /><br />I was terrified.<br />Afraid I would not be good enough,<br />For you,<br />To you,<br />With you.<br /><br />This tiny life inside of me<br />Continued to grow each day.<br />And I remained amazed that my body<br />Could and would sustain such a miracle.<br />I was profoundly touched<br />That the universe believed I deserved such honor<br />To be chosen as your mother.<br /><br />You arrived eight days early.<br />And I was giddy with excitement<br />As I labored to bring your life<br />Into this world,<br />To begin your journey<br />As an independent human being.<br /><br />And when first I held you,<br />I'd never seen anything so beautiful<br />In all of my life.<br />And I cried that you were mine.<br />That the waiting was over<br />And you were here.<br /><br />For me to love,<br />To hold,<br />To nurture,<br />To protect,<br />To teach,<br />To learn to let go.<br /><br />We have so many years<br />Of this journey ahead of us.<br />And already<br />I've learned so much.<br />I've learned what really matters.<br />You are here,<br />You are safe,<br />You are healthy,<br />You are beautiful and happy.<br /><br />And I've learned<br />That for now,<br />Loving you<br />Is all that I really need to do<br />To be enough.<br /><br />I love you Zachary Ryan,<br />Now and always.<br /><br />–Love, Mommy<br />June 11, 2001Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-5574639726217560222001-03-11T11:14:00.000-08:002009-03-11T12:17:54.005-07:00Affirmations from "End The Struggle And Dance With Life" by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.Life is beautiful, I have it all. But even in the sunshine, one has to cry sometimes.<br /><br />It's all happening perfectly.<br /><br />I am enough.<br /><br />No matter what life decides to hand me, I'll handle it.<br /><br />Find the blessing. Find the lesson to be learned. Find the strength you never thought you had. Find the triumph.<br /><br />We were born to learn, to grow, to expand, to love, to create, to enjoy, to see the beauty in all things–including ourselves. But we weren't born to be perfect!<br /><br />The only thing we can effectively control is our reactions to whatever life hands us.<br /><br />Use and enjoy that which enriches your life. Let go of that which is just excess baggage.<br /><br />If you are not enjoying yourself, you are wasting your time!<br /><br />Taking things for granted is one of the greatest assaults on the quality of our lives.<br /><br />When we focus on abundance, our life feels abundant; when we focus on lack, our life feels lacking. It is simply a matter of focus.<br /><br />If we saw ourselves as perpetual beginners, we would be much kinder to ourselves.<br /><br />Humor creates a shift in perception that allows us to center ourselves in a powerful place.<br /><br />Spiritual growth is not a destination. It is a forever process of learning and expanding and exploring and discovering.<br /><br />Trust you know what is right for you at any particular time.<br /><br />If you haven't made any mistakes lately, you must be doing something wrong!<br /><br />Embrace the journey...embrace who you are...embrace all there is...Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-84437367901883768212000-08-24T04:08:00.000-07:002009-03-12T04:22:46.433-07:00Old Guest Book<b>Take a look at who else has been here and what they had to say.</b><p><br /><img src="http://www.geocities.com/wellesley/6775/frogana1.gif" /><p><p><br /><p><b>Maxine</b> - 08/24/00 17:35:43<br /><b>Your locale:</b> MA<br /><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Amy- I don't even know where to start! First, I applaud your courage in sharing your most intimate thoughts. I could tell you how completely impressed I am with your writing style and your ability to "paint" a picture, but anything I could possibly try to convey would fall grossly short of what I am REALLY trying to say. I also express my thoughts best on "paper", many of yours are synonymous with my own. I am hopeful that you will find the inner peace and satisfaction with yourself that you are seeking! I look forward to getting to know you better. Maxine<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><b>Tina</b> - 04/25/00 04:05:13<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Illinois<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Great page...You sure have opened up your heart..<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 208.235.28.171 --><b>Connie</b> - 04/18/00 18:03:44<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Illinois<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Great site!!<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 165.157.80.48 --><b>Theresa Langerman</b> - 03/23/00 19:13:12<br /><b>Your locale:</b> LaJolla, CA<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hello Amy: I am an incest survivor and was looking for some information and clicked onto your site. While I did not have time to view everything what I did see was quite nice. My best to you. God bless. Theresa<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 209.74.53.104 --><b>Don</b> - 12/28/99 15:51:57<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Bedford, Mass<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hey, I saw your picture in Yahoo Profiles. I just think you're a really good looking girl. That's all. Have a nice day. -Don<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 38.27.202.223 --><b>Steve Clark</b> - 12/13/99 02:48:19<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Tallmadge Ohio<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Great Music!! Great message too!!<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 216.65.138.109 --><b>John Veneruso</b> - 10/25/99 05:48:21<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Portland, OR<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />I stumbled onto the guest book page while doing a bit of web surfing on this very quiet evening. Flashing to your home page to see what all this wonderful sentiment was all about was well rewarded. I enjoyed the poetry, the perception of life that you have, the warmth that is somehow able to come through the Internet, and all without those cheesy emoticons, just words that carry real meaning. Thanks for making my quiet evening, in what is usually a very rambunctious life, special. John Veneruso<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 148.176.237.96 --><b>prybear</b> - 10/02/99 14:34:02<br /><b>Your locale:</b> RAF Fairford, England<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br /><br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 198.4.49.2 --><b>Shaune</b> - 09/07/99 20:41:40<br /><b>Your locale:</b> By your side<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Amy I am glad I have had the chance to meet you, and hope we become lasting friends. You are an amazing person!<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 204.60.43.135 --><b>dag-fourty9</b> - 07/29/99 11:50:05<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Amy, you have a wonderful, pristine way with words, and I enjoyed all your poems very much. It was nice to watch you grow from early darkness in to the light of a love that you obviously enjoy sharing with that special person in your life...I wish you nothing but happiness....<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 152.163.207.51 --><b>Charlene</b> - 07/01/99 07:57:14<br /><b>Your locale:</b> CT<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />AMY...Where do I begin. I have known you for over 7 years now and I think you are the one true best friend I have. I have seen you overcome the hurdles in your life. And you have cleared them by far. I have seen you grow in a way that inspires me. I love you to death! Knowing what you have been through and seeing how successful you have made your life become is amazing. You're not afraid to look honestly within yourself, you're always making yourself better. If you improve yourself anymore, I think you ought to start bottling whatever you have so the rest of us can make ourselves as special as you are. You are a very generous and caring person. (Of course I could go on.) I would be lost if I didn't have you for a friend. Even though I don't talk too much, get just enough out for you to make me feel better. You have always said that things are not always what they appear to be with me, and for you to stop and look further, I thank you. When you ask someone how they are doing, you really want to know and will take the time to listen. I just think you are the best. I know there are some miles between us now, but that will not stop our friendship. (Thank God for the internet!) I remember when we lived on Edna Ave, those were some fun times together. Kind of like living in a dorm. Some hard times too, but look at you. You are absolutely beautiful!!! I am honored by your friendship. Thank you for being so giving to me. I love you and miss you. Love always...ME<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 166.93.38.111 --><b>Terri</b> - 05/28/99 12:29:33<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Colorado<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />I've read and re-read your writings this quiet morning, and I must say I am inspired. I wish you so much happiness! Love ya!<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 207.244.121.171 --><b>Jodi Dorval</b> - 05/25/99 15:16:38<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hi Amy. This website is great. You're poems are wonderful...<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 205.188.192.31 --><b>Lee...aka.. Unnie</b> - 05/05/99 20:23:46<br /><b>Your locale:</b> CT..<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hey Sweet Girl... I just had to take a quick minute to tell you how awesome and wonderful you are and how much you do for me, you may not know it, but you are a big help to me, I look at where you are and what you have been through and it gives me hope.. Also I just looked through your pages here... and that gives me hope too :) I'm just starting out and I see now how far I still have to go.. hehehe.. Take care .. I miss you!! .. And love you!!!<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 207.24.95.2 --><b>Your boss</b> - 03/19/99 09:28:45<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Woodbridge<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hard to say . . . very, very interesting and deep stuff.<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 24.48.30.107 --><b>Lisa (aka Lemonlime_01)</b> - 03/08/99 03:44:04<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Kingston, Massachusetts9but you know that already..lol)<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hi Amy!..I"ve been working on my site a little and I needed a break..so I figured I'd pop in on your place and see what's going on..I love it! Oh and thanks for commenting on my "Lover's Lane" piece..that was one of the readings at my wedding actually..so fitting for the relationship Scott and I have..Ok well I'm going to go pop into Shady's site..Take Care HUGS..oh and PS..where have you been?? :-)<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 205.188.193.176 --><b>Mom</b> - 02/20/99 22:27:42<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Hobbs, NM<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Dearest Amy, I have spent today (Saturday, February 20, 1999) perusing your website. I am glad I "fastened my seatbelt"! It was quite a "ride," but one well worth taking. I even enjoyed it! As I said in the e-mail, it is written with such thought, intelligence, care a d sensitivity. The website is YOU--all the wounds you suffered during childhood and adolescence, your deep hurts, your sorrow, your loneliness, your pain. I apologize for all the pain for which I was the source. How I wish I could change those years! But, regretfully I cannot. Thankfully you are (were) a survivor, and I very much admire that quality in you. I am proud of you. But you are more than a survivor. Your story is a beautiful one of recovery. You are a lovely young woman--intelligent, loving, sensitive, and caring, a beautiful human being. In my opinion your story is an inspiration. Yes, I flinched as I read some of the material, the older writings. Nothing was "new," but it brought back terrible memories and hurt, especially the effects of your childhood upon you. And yes, I cried. I had o walk away from the computer a few times. But I came back! Your recent reflections, however, offer so much love and hope to everyone who has been damaged as a child...and by life itself. I admire your "bold" statements about life and love. You state your feelings so well...so beautifully. I admire that which I cannot do so easily...nor so well. When I got to the part about "My Mom," I wept. It took quite awhile to get back my "grip." Thank you so much. It is the most beautiful writing for me to treasure the rest of my life. It meant the world to me. I feel like I am babbling and not saying everything I want to say. However, please know I love you very much, and I am very proud of you. You have worked so hard to get your life together...and it is together. I am delighted you have found the love of your life. Enjoy him to your heart's content! He'd just better be good to my Ames! My best wishes for your continued love of living...and sharing it with others. I love you very much, Amy, and I always shall. Love always, (hugs and kisses) Mom<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 161.142.78.71 --><b>chitra</b> - 02/19/99 19:28:26<br /><b>Your locale:</b> india<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />HAI Really i impressed of your writing.When i oppened your homepage i startedwith disinterestingly but really i impressed because i also feel the samething. i also have friend because of sheela only i am speaking with u now.i want tobe u r friend. is it possi le. bye bye chitra<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 207.210.171.163 --><b>Extreme</b> - 01/17/99 02:41:18<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Nice page very peaceful.<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 208.153.232.36 --><b>Ginny</b> - 01/10/99 16:30:31<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Southern California<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />I finally made the time to read all of your poetry and thoughts and all I can say is WOW Amy!...your truly a beautiful person for sharing this with all of us! I too have had my share of living in the dark so I know what it takes to survive it and I admire your courage, determination, and wonderful attitude through it all!!! Your an inspiration and I would be blessed to know you better :))) Will stay in touch *HUGS* Ginny<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 38.11.103.78 --><b>Kevin</b> - 12/17/98 14:51:41<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />This is a wonderful web site, please continue. You are an inspiration.<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 166.55.241.1 --><b>mike..aka daffyd</b> - 11/22/98 20:48:26<br /><b>Your locale:</b> in front of my keybaord<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />WOW!...Amy i was just goofin around in chat this Sunday, and flippin to game to game on the tv when i came upon your page...it floored me. It made me stop and just think. I hope that a fraction of your courage and strength rubs off on me. Along w/ some bet er spellin (i could use it:))...catch ya some time latter :)<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 12.79.195.199 --><b>Rosemary</b> - 11/11/98 16:20:51<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Taunton<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Amy... You are an incredible woman. My heart fills up with love and respect for you and everything you have gone through. I feel blessed to know you. I believe that we meet people in our lives for reasons, sometime we aren't aware of them until they hav left us. You are here for me to show me how wonderful life can be and how much love can really be shared. You are becoming a true friend to me and I am grateful everyday that we talk and know we are there for each other. I love you. *****HUGS******<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 216.41.30.86 --><b>Rob Westling</b> - 11/09/98 22:43:30<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Gloucester, MA<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Dear Amy, Hey baby, just wanted to reread everything that you have here...trying to get to know you even better than I did before. I love you darling, and you are always a very special woman to me. Can't wait to see you and talk to you. I miss you sooo much all the time...so hard to be far from you! Well, I will talk to you soon. Take care my darling. Rob<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 209.156.37.164 --><b>Nancy</b> - 11/04/98 12:28:48<br /><b>Your locale:</b> New Bedford<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hi Amy !! You have an awsome page !!! Gee, puts mine to shame !! *LOL* You did a great job !! keep up the good work !!!<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 206.98.218.95 --><b>George Willard</b> - 10/14/98 03:07:57<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Orange, Mass<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hi, Amy just had to visit again and printed some of your poems for my neighbor, she likes them and they help her through the tough times, I wonder how many others you've helped by sharing your life and thought with us. I think that you're one great lady and bestest bud. see you soon, George Ps just re read the last entry and saw that it looked as if I was claiming input into your poems. couldn't let that remain unrepaired, so this will, hopefully, clear that typo up. love, me<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 206.98.218.95 --><b>George Willard</b> - 10/14/98 03:03:49<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Orange, Mass<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hi, Amy just had to visit again and printed some of our poems for my neighbor, she likes them and they help her through the tough times, I wonder how many others you've helped by sharing your life and thought with us. I think that you're one great lady and bestest bud. see you soon, George<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 208.206.116.28 --><b>29Debbie/DjStorms</b> - 09/05/98 11:36:21<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Virginia<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Ame? Where have ya been? I have missed chatting w/ you. Hope Life is treating you great, as you deserve it. drop me an email and let me know how you're doing. Love ya and miss the hell outta ya.<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 207.115.1.173 --><b>Terri</b> - 08/26/98 15:29:49<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Colorado<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />I haven't been here in a while, I had some reading to catch up on. I know your heart, Amy, and I appreciate what you've written. God speed.<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 209.16.6.138 --><b>flashx3</b> - 08/25/98 18:47:55<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Houston, TX<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Amelar, It has been a long time since I have seen you and I thought I would stop in and say howdy in your guest book. I noticed you like art, and thought I send you the URL of a friend of mine. Check it out, if he is good enough for you, maybe you could send some folks his way?<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 206.98.218.80 --><b>George Willard</b> - 08/25/98 02:49:51<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Orange, Mass<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Amy, I was hard pressed to be able to see what I was reading through the tears for the hurt you've been through. You've got a beautiful site, and you're a beautiful lady in all ways. I'm PROUD to be your friend, George<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 204.184.247.99 --><b>Patty</b> - 08/05/98 23:51:42<br /><b>Your locale:</b> SW Mo<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hello, Amy, your words touched my heart.....I love your writing, it was is so passionate. I found you thru Wellesley and am glad to have you as a neighbor and a sister. </p><br /><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 208.155.245.150 --><b>Baddisk</b> - 07/24/98 00:52:39<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hi, dunno if you remember me from yahoo or not. was leafing thru my favorites folder and saw your page, great one BTW. Havent seen you in Hoo lately and just wanted to say hi<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 206.97.79.5 --><b>peggy meeks-king</b> - 06/05/98 19:41:34<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />i really like your homepage and music very nice- please come and enjoy my poetry at the site above--i found your homepage in losthallow's guestbook please sign my dreambook-at my poetry site ! peggy ~peace~<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 205.227.95.50 --><b>Ginny</b> - 05/12/98 01:55:39<br /><b>Your locale:</b> California<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />I've only had the chance to talk with you a couple of times and don't know you very well but I think your a sweet person and you've done a great job on your page!! You have many beautiful thoughts that you have shared on your page and I, for one, got alot out of it and I thank you... :-) DesertSun<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 204.183.212.129 --><b>Baycolour</b> - 05/02/98 20:49:53<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Maryland<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />oh Amy this is the most touching site I have ever seen. Your writings are sooo wonderful, so, so true, almost like you have a window into a part of my life. Sure have missed seeing you in yahoo, hope to real soon!! Keep up the great work!<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 206.98.218.68 --><b>Warren Willard</b> - 05/02/98 19:05:57<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Wendell Mass.<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />thanks for this chance to get to know where you come from, and where you are going. I look forward to having long discussions with you. I am sure that between us, we can help ourselves grow a little bit.<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 128.197.153.30 --><b>Lance Spotted Elk</b> - 04/20/98 03:10:28<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Boston, Mass.<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hi Amy...this is Bo____ (or one of my chat aliases anyway). Just thought I'd drop a line and say hi and cool web page. Very thought out and nice. See you online sometime.... --Bo<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 151.200.127.129 --><b>Peg (P.A. Barnes)</b> - 03/31/98 18:45:00<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Virginia<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Your site has really grown. I was deeply touched by your writing.....thank you.<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 207.158.151.111 --><b>MrsBou</b> - 03/24/98 09:36:11<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Michigan<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Amy, I tried to link up to Spots Really god gifs and to Graphics Boutique. Could get to neither. Not sure if the problem is in their page or what. Just wanted to let you know. Hope you are doing well.<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 208.141.32.90 --><b>Jammer</b> - 03/18/98 00:56:48<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Charleston, SC<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br /><strong>Amy, I’m glad I stumbled into your pages. It’s obvious that your writings were written with so much true emotion. So much emotion, in fact, that someone would have to have a heart of stone not to be touched in some way. I truly enjoyed my visit. I wish you all the best. </strong></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /></p><br /><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 208.148.73.112 --><b>susan</b> - 03/11/98 22:49:21<br /><b>Your locale:</b> earth<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hey Amy, I'm glad I got a chance to see how you've been developing the site - it looks SO cool! And your picture is so pretty. I have big news, Amy...but I'll send that via reg email. First, tho, I'm going to go back & peruse your latest writing...Keep up the g od work! Love, Susan<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 208.226.30.138 --><b>Merri</b> - 03/11/98 17:23:10<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Thank you for visiting my site and I have now visited yours...I like what you have accomplished here :)<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 12.69.36.189 --><b>yourdesire</b> - 03/02/98 13:51:22<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />okeys, ames hun..here i am...came back just for you! see how much i love ya?? Re-read the whole page too...makes me happy you're here with us, and i'm glad you're in my life...i DO love ya hun...cya soon... penny<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 208.6.78.101 --><b>mys_</b> - 02/26/98 21:12:13<br /><b>Your locale:</b> windsor, ontario<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />i loved your page<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 208.149.134.152 --><b>baddisk</b> - 02/18/98 01:53:01<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />great page hon youre such a sweet spirit i really have enjoyed chatting with you in yahoo<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 204.191.28.31 --><b>Maggie</b> - 02/16/98 06:23:47<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Love ya AMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what a great home page.. you'll have to teach me how to do this.. oh yeah and Tom too!! HAPPY late late SUNDAY or early MONDAY!!!<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 207.158.151.98 --><b>Robin</b> - 02/15/98 04:54:06<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Michigan<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Amy, i think you and I are more alike than you know. Your work here is beautiful, touching and in some ways disturbing to me. Only because, it hits so close to home. I am honored that you think of me as your friend,and i treasure that. your friendship s good for me, helps me to remember about being grateful. I hope I bring to you as a friend some part of me that can be helpful to you. your friend, Robin<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 195.204.239.78 --><b>AsterdiS</b> - 02/13/98 03:30:59<br /><b>Your locale:</b> One Sherwood Forest<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />An endless journey, an infinite cycle.<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 32.100.145.76 --><b>Terri</b> - 02/09/98 13:43:02<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Grasslands<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hey...just checked back...regarding your periodic ramblings dated 2/8 - RIGHT ON!!!! It's sad but true...Ahh what a far far better world we would live in if people wouldn't be so afraid of what they feel! HUGS!<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 151.164.50.47 --><b>Connie</b> - 02/08/98 18:09:03<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Texas!<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />I'm finally here to sign your book! You have a great site with lots of interesting and fun links.<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 208.220.27.142 --><b>29Debbie</b> - 02/08/98 17:32:55<br /><b>Your locale:</b> virginia<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Ame: WOW! this is the most touching page I have ever read. I had to make this a favorite page. You are a very strong woman as I can see bye the writing of this page. You have put alot of yourself in here. This page is very inspiring to me as a woman. I w ll be back here often. You keep that head up hon. you are an inspiration to other women around the world. Love the page. hugs you oh so tight. love ya ames.<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 207.205.219.38 --><b>Toysupraman</b> - 02/06/98 04:49:44<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Maryland<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />I like the layout of your page. I know this is my third time here. First time singing your book. I never say it before. lol.. I do love the title and the Layout. Keep working at it. Hugs<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 204.216.221.9 --><b>Kevin</b> - 02/04/98 15:31:48<br /><b>Your locale:</b> San Diego, Ca.<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Amy, cool page. It has made me see that I guess I'm a messed up as I thought I was. Hugs and kisses Kman<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 204.166.91.50 --><b>Boston Dave</b> - 02/04/98 14:58:19<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Massachusetts<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hi Amy You have a great page. Very very thought provoking and a pleasure to read. Keep it up. smiles. I'll see you around Boston chat I hope. smiles BIG HUG!!! SMOOOCH!!!!! Dave PS you're a cutie. ;-)<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 32.100.72.245 --><b>Shoshonie777</b> - 02/02/98 01:20:40<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Upstate NY<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Amy, I truly enjoyed your page. Very heart warming. Girl you have come along way and it is my pleasure to know you. Our meeting will be soon. Can't wait.....:) Hugs Shona-Lee<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 207.205.222.228 --><b>Toysupraman</b> - 02/01/98 15:55:14<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Maryland<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />This is a very well done Page. I enjoyed reading about you and your thoughts. Very sweet and touching.<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 207.140.115.36 --><b>Dominique78</b> - 01/28/98 21:47:35<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Missouri<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Dear Amy, I am sitting here reading about you and crying.. WoW--how courageous you are to share your life with us--I am so glad to have met you and could tell you were a special person the first time we chatted--Will be seeing you around chat-- I think you are a wonderful and warm human being--thanks for being a friend to me!!! Love ya' Dom<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 206.72.34.57 --><b>Matthew aka Dawg</b> - 01/25/98 04:20:00<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Lost in Iowa<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Ames I Love your pages and was pleasantly surprised to see how much of yourself went into these pages. What I see here shows that you are a very centered individual and I like your attitude...all in all I must say it is one of the best personal homepages I have ever visited as you have not only put much effort and thought into these pages you have also put alot of yourself there and I must re-iterate and say I am impressed (((((((((((Ames))))))))))) Madd_Dawg33 aka Matt<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 194.168.3.1 --><b>Aamer</b> - 01/22/98 09:53:16<br /><b>Your locale:</b> London, UK<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hi Ames, I finally found your guestbook. Thanks again for sharing your hope page with me :-))<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 207.136.46.11 --><b>BlackWidow001</b> - 01/22/98 02:10:57<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Amy....I had no idea of the past that you had. In your writings, I related to so much!!!! I too wrote when I was younger. That was my way of releasing my pain, anger, loneliness, etc. I wish today that I never burned them. Then again, maybe I don't wa t to remember the past like that. I have made amends with my parents. My ex is a different story...and now, my husband....We are having such a bad time. Your writings brought tears to my eyes. It's funny today I was told that I needed to start keeping a journal. I will keep these writings. Thanks for sharing....Keep that chin up....the happiness that you deserve will be yours....<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 206.208.130.235 --><b>Kd_kid</b> - 01/22/98 01:38:35<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Calif...get me out!<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Ame! brought Blackwidow by to see your page and WOW has it changed since i saw it last november! it looks GREAT! COOL BEANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will have to take a day off work just to catch up on the reading!....miss ya...luv ya!<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 198.78.42.24 --><b>Carey</b> - 01/19/98 04:18:11<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Tupelo, MS<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hi Amy.. What a wonderful and fascinating page you have created. I really didnt have the time to look at all of it the way I wanted to, but i will come back and check the rest of it out when i do have the time. Keep up the great work!!<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 206.69.43.157 --><b>Ron</b> - 01/17/98 02:43:44<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Amy, Sorry I din't take the time to sign yout guest book before, it was below all the friends-links, (true but weak excuse). Not sure how many times I have been here before. Always interesting, everytime I look see something different. Everytime read what I had read before, I see it in a different light. Reminds me of what a professor once said about hearing/reading and perception. It depends in the frame of mind, and past experiences of the audience (listener/reader) and that moment can not be duplicated exactly, as the audience will have had new sights in her/his life journey exp's in the mean time. Ron (justabubbba) (quite the wors-smith you are (write poetry/songs?) You are one interesting person. Quite a writer, and have interesting fascinating thoughts<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 206.222.209.17 --><b>Becky</b> - 01/16/98 17:47:55<br /><b>Your locale:</b> nebraska<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hi Amy. I really miss Yahoo chat since hub disabled it, and just stopped by today to say hi to you. I hope you are well and happy. I have been busy, as usual, working. Please greet all the chat friends for me, and write me back if you get the time. Becky PS really enjoy this web site, beautiful music and poetry<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 207.50.164.149 --><b>Loyd Rawlings</b> - 01/16/98 02:53:47<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Missouri<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />This is a very cool website thanks for inviting me. You are very creative and caring person. @)-------,-----'------- Thank you again!<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 205.252.76.133 --><b>Lacy</b> - 01/12/98 01:09:13<br /><b>Your locale:</b> VA<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />HI AMES!!! GREAT PAGE!!! I havent read it all but will definitely be coming back!! You sound like a very strong person and always keep up hope you will someday meet that right person!!! LOVE YA Lacy<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 206.25.232.27 --><b>Upstate_red</b> - 01/05/98 16:17:00<br /><b>Your locale:</b> NY<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Dear Amy, What can I say, tears again. Just can't believe the life you have had to experience. I guess I take the wonderful upbringing I had for granted although I do believe after visiting yours and Lynn's I will not anymore. Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to visit your page. Love and Prayers, Janet<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 204.116.65.83 --><b>Mollie</b> - 01/02/98 05:24:49<br /><b>Your locale:</b> N.C.<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />I loved your hp I can identify with alot of your words. I just joined the ladies of Wellesley Ring that's how I found your page please visit my page if you have the time. Thanks for sharing your life..:0)<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 204.60.29.207 --><b>Mike</b> - 01/02/98 02:23:26<br /><b>Your locale:</b> Connecticut<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Thank you for the chat on New Years' morning, lol. You are a very special person. Thanks for everything.<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 207.23.248.104 --><b>SPICE</b> - 01/01/98 22:08:15<br /><b>Your locale:</b> canada<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />hi! great lookin page, nice job.<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 195.29.227.138 --><b>Gordana</b> - 12/31/97 07:53:16<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Dear Amy...i visited your site again..is beautiful and inspiring as ever.A friend wrote few lines i'd like to share them with you: Life is very short, and we are fragile creatures. Our hearts were meant to be filled with love, not hate; joy and not sorrow. So please, stop today and take time to tell just one person that your life is better because they are a friend. Your friend Sweet_ie32<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 209.143.13.19 --><b>Minxus</b> - 12/28/97 09:09:33<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />What a touching homepage. Feel as though i could have written some of it myself. Thank you for sharing it with me and trusting me with the information it holds.<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 208.22.26.45 --><b>Lynn</b> - 12/27/97 16:42:26<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />hi amy, Very nice site..i wish i was there to give you a big hug!! I hope to meet with you someday.. Love, Roberta<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 206.228.238.67 --><b>Amanda Lane</b> - 12/25/97 02:01:17<br /><b>Your locale:</b> FL<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Very nice page.<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 209.45.181.71 --><b>Michael</b> - 12/23/97 00:38:48<br /><b>Your locale: </b>KY.<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />I can't get over just how much I am overwhelmed with this woman, someone so open, so honest, so inspiring, I hope everyone who will visit this site will take the time and read it..I am speechless..... Mike.<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 32.100.145.10 --><b>Terri</b> - 12/20/97 22:27:37<br /><b>Your locale: </b> Planet Earth at this time.<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />The music has added more charm to your page. I enjoyed catching up on somethings that I had missed in visits past! Like you said, this is and will continue to be a work in progress! Keep up the good work! T<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 206.81.58.28 --><b>Pickles</b> - 12/20/97 08:42:30<br /><b>Your locale: </b>Louisiana<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hi Amy. I am really impressed with your page. It is coming along really well. Much better than mine was a month old. Keep up the good work. Thank you for visiting me and come back soon because I have made some updates. Here is a humor link for your page. Stay Together! Pickles<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 208.148.73.172 --><b>Susan, Queen of Frogs</b> - 12/16/97 00:13:46<br /><b>Your locale: </b>terra firma<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hi there Amy! The site looks so fabulous - you've added so much since I last visited. The picture is gorgeous - what I would give to see that much green again! Things here are predictably chaotic. That's Christmastime in retail - if you're lucky. I h pe you're doing well & getting lots of deserved praise for all you've done here. I'm off to do some xmas shopping now (what, me worry?!). I'm sure the mall will be a delight. Talk to you soon, lots o'luv, Susan<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 207.0.116.6 --><b>Xenia (aka Xurer)</b> - 12/13/97 13:48:25<br /><b>Your locale: </b>Philippines<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Amy, What can I say? I've been touched...transported... and even drowned in your profound thoughts. I wish I were as eloquent about expressing myself. One thing sure..i'll be like the energizer bunny..in reverse...keep on coming..coming...and coming back to this page. Thanks for sharing yourself and your thoughts with the world. Xenia<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 207.115.62.50 --><b>michael</b> - 12/12/97 02:50:27<br /><b>Your locale: </b> maryland<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />I really love you recent writings Amy but you should date them dear.All I can say is WOW!!!!!!!!!! you do have style.........................<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 204.60.24.174 --><b>Gordon B. Thomas</b> - 12/11/97 04:14:08<br /><b>Your locale: </b>Bridgeport,CT 06606<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Bravissimo!! Most informative, revealing and well done. Gordon<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 207.24.95.2 --><b>Deb</b> - 12/04/97 21:18:26<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Wonderful web page, Amy. I haven't yet had time to explore your writings, but I wanted to let you know that I appreciate you sharing yourself in such a way. More after my next visit . . .<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 206.222.209.20 --><b>Becky Ferguson</b> - 12/02/97 15:49:38<br /><b>Your locale: </b>Lincoln, NE<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />very nicely done . Beautiful poetry thank you for sharing this with me. Rnfinely<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 209.142.5.158 --><b>Sandy</b> - 11/30/97 06:34:50<br /><b>Your locale: </b>California<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Amy ...Once again I find myself at your site... I read your newest poems and loved them all..I also read what you wrote about yourself (a little bit about me) It brought me to tears...We do have so very much in common...You like me find a release in words ..I have just started writing poems not to many months ago..I've always loved to write but just in a journal...Writing poems for me has brought alot of healing ..As I see it has also with you..Thanks for being who you are...You are truly a great writer.. You write from the heart....Take good care ..Sandy<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 204.60.10.43 --><b>Pete</b> - 11/29/97 13:28:25<br /><b>Your locale: </b>CT<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Amy, I was blown away by your page. We have know each other for about 6 months now and I thought you were a wonderful person back then, after reading your poems and thoughts of the day I see an inner beauty in you that others I'm sure would love to be able to have or do and just don't know how to find it. Hopefully your page will help others find there own inner beauty. Reading all this just makes me so proud of you, and lucky to be able to call you a friend.<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 207.121.216.12 --><b>Mr Grace</b> - 11/28/97 11:50:19<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hi there, really cool homepage Amy. Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. see ya soon Love You know who<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 139.230.128.6 --><b>Skye_71 (aka Daisy)</b> - 11/26/97 13:47:00<br /><b>Your locale: </b>Perth, Western Australia<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Amy, fantastic page!! Really interesting... thanks!<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 207.115.62.50 --><b>michael</b> - 11/26/97 04:18:47<br /><b>Your locale: </b>Maryland<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />now this is a site that can be held up as an example what we all should strive for Amy I am really impressed with the layout and the writing...I found this through sandolees site hope it was okay for me to visit as it was quite enjoyable seeeeee yaaaaaa<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 209.142.3.60 --><b>Sandy</b> - 11/21/97 04:14:48<br /><b>Your locale: </b>California<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hello!!! I loved your poems i spent a long while here...I love to read good writing and yours is truly that ....write some more.... I'll come back again ...Take care ..Sandy<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 209.142.5.183 --><b>Sandy</b> - 11/20/97 03:39:57<br /><b>Your locale: </b>California<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Hey there ...Super page lots of cool graphics and just chucked full of information ...I'll come on back to check it out some more *SMILE* Cya Sandy<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 207.211.2.108 --><b>Mike Poe</b> - 11/15/97 19:43:19<br /><b>Your locale: </b>United States<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />You've been really busy on this site in the last week. I'm very impressed. Love your poetry.<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 206.96.122.95 --><b>morpheus28m</b> - 11/13/97 17:18:08<br /><b>Your locale: </b>twilight zone<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />amy...sigh...what can i say??? i was truly moved and touched. Sometimes its so easy to forget that there are real souls in cyberspace. But yours is truly a beautiful yet tragic one....just remember Frost's words..."i took the road less traveled by, and it made all the difference..." You truly have the soul of a poet. Keep looking for the ferryman amy....he will arrive.....barrie<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 208.222.192.2 --><b>Observer_97</b> - 11/13/97 15:38:29<br /><b>Your locale: </b>The best place possible - right where I am!!!<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />one word - WOW! Nice job. Wish I had more time to look at it before commenting, but hey when have I ever exercised self control when feeling the need to do something. You inspire me to put something together too....... love ya bunch :-)<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 208.255.233.169 --><b>PaBarnes</b> - 11/13/97 12:39:37<br /><b>Your locale: </b>Tampa, FL<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />I'm impressed......as for the content, I will comment further when I have had a chance to read more<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 204.191.28.98 --><b>Maggie&Tom</b> - 11/13/97 04:28:37<br /><b>Your locale: </b>Canada eh!!!<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />AMES!!!!!! Holy jumpins... Way to go girl!!! This is fabulous darlin' ... love all those little pink wiggly thingys. You are going to have to show me how to do this you know that right!!!! Love you lots.. you are an inspiration and a wonderful friend.. and I love ya!!! (ps so does Tom) xxxxooooo and Meta, and Chelsea and Karsten (oh,,, and Otter too)<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 203.12.221.99 --><b>Accidentalangel</b> - 11/13/97 01:07:58<br /><b>Your locale: </b>Perth, Western Australia<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Amy..you have succeeded in putting a bit of yourself here......now more people can come to know you as I do. HUG I'll be back!!!<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 208.148.73.101 --><b>Susan Rukeyser</b> - 11/12/97 22:41:54<br /><b>Your locale: </b>planet earth<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Amy, I LOVE it. I think you've shared a precious part of yourself & it will change how many people think about their own lives. You've shown us how someone who's seen such debilitating darkness can come back. I have always been proud of you for that, & it makes me so happy to see that you're proud of yourself too. Congrats on producing this site. I know it will bring good things to anyone who happens upon it. Love, Susan<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 206.208.130.235 --><b>kd kid</b> - 11/12/97 16:07:28<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />ok...one more thought...read 'about ame' and the poems...had NO idea ame....could not tell your past because of who you are in the present...you have come a very long way....you are truly beautiful! *hugs*<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 206.208.130.235 --><b>kd_kid</b> - 11/12/97 15:57:27<br /><b>Your locale: </b>stuck in southern ca<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />i want a home page too! hugs to you....very nice...so far a lot to see...will finish looking later!<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 205.184.4.37 --><b>Scott Drager</b> - 11/12/97 11:41:13<br /><b>Your locale: </b>Rockford,IL<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Looks REAL good!<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 206.139.129.153 --><b>Rob-o</b> - 11/11/97 18:19:59<br /><b>Your locale: </b>You know<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Very well done. Background is a touch busy for dark text on the home page. And your Site listing by address through Geocities says ******... thought you didnt want that??? Later, dahling!<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 129.37.216.67 --><b>Mike</b> - 11/11/97 01:20:49<br /><b>Your locale: </b>Colorado<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />I really enjoyed your poetry on your page.I will keep checking the progress ...good job!<br /></p><p><p></p><p><p><br /><!-- REMOTE ADDR: 129.37.216.67 --><b>Terri</b> - 11/11/97 01:17:57<br /><b>Your locale: </b>Co-Co-Cold-Colorado!<br /></p><p><p><b>Comments:</b><br />Beautiful! And I really mean that!<br /></p>Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-57843394967294967361999-12-03T11:15:00.000-08:002009-03-11T11:16:26.105-07:00The Struggle for ControlI find myself struggling in the war against myself...to accept myself, to appreciate who I am, and to see the beauty and goodness in myself. My struggles lately are of self-hatred and loathing of the lack of self-control I seem to have with food, exercise, the things that I prided myself so much on. This time a year ago I had so much more that made me feel positive about who I am. I was independent, I was fit, and I was taking care of myself. And today, well today I feel slovenly and fat, and unable to regain control of my body, my habits, and get myself back to a place that I can be proud of. I'm not sure why it is I've gotten so far from that place of self-confidence and self-assurance. And what terrifies me most is how that is changing my relationship with the man I love. My self-esteem and confidence are low, and I have difficulty believing his sincerity that the weight I have gained has no bearing on how he feels about me, how attracted to me he is or is not. To me, it is all I can see...it is just short of being all that I am. I can't imagine that it isn't first and foremost in his mind. I realize in typing that how unbelievably shallow that sounds, but it's all that fills my mind. That I am not slim, I am not toned, my body is not defined, I'm not something he or I can feel proud of. My body is currently the result of poor eating habits, lack of self-control, and inactivity. I am not the person I was...and I don't know where she went. I am not the person I felt proud of, I am not the woman who felt accomplished and bright and funny and sexy. I am back to being dumpy and frumpy, and emotional and insecure. The word F.I.N.E. comes to mind. And all of this, well, all of this is most unattractive to a partner...at least that is what is in my mind. All of the things Rob fell in love with me for are not there anymore. I am becoming clingy and irritable and quite frankly, I don't think I would want to be around me, so why should he? And the worse my thoughts and moods and predicament become, the more convinced I become that he will eventually leave me, and the more I believe that, the more I seem to become someone who should be left. My actions and my words are not understanding and kind -- they come out sounding harsh and judgemental. I know they come from my fear of being hurt, of being left, of finally trusting someone again to really love me, only to find out one day that he can't stand to be with me anymore, or thinks I'm not worth the work, and he leaves. I'd rather be alone by my own hand than wait for that to happen. And I know this hurts Rob, to hear these things. I wish I could explain to him, somehow, that he might understand that it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. He seems to think that I would be better to at least have loved and been loved than to just walk away. And for me, I would rather die than be hurt again as I was before. Sometimes I miss the "comfortableness" of being with my ex-husband. I get trapped in the thought that he accepted me no matter what my weight or fitness. And then I realize that this is part of some distorted reality I'm dealing with. I think about the trade-offs made for that acceptance -- or so it seemed. I was accepted by a man (or is it really more that he would not leave the security of having me?) who was not there, who did things that hurt me very badly, who had so many troubles of his own he has struggled to get his own life in order. I guess I saw it as "you have your crap, I have mine, so I guess it's ok because we're both just messed up." It's as though his problems made my problems ok...neither one of us was really all that great of a catch at the time in many ways. I have a man now who that fell in love with a svelte, fit, sexy woman. A woman who was much more self-confident. I see Rob as normal, healthy, not having these sorts of obsessions and problems, and I feel convinced that the issues I have will eventually drive him away...he will think "I'm outta here lady...you're nuts." I am afraid I am becoming something he cannot and will not love -- and it has nothing to do with him. I am becoming someone/something that is crazy, annoying, irrational. I swore to myself I would never go through this again with my weight and my body. I swore that I would die before I would do this again. And here I am, struggling to regain some sense of control, and am at a loss for how to do that. My eating is compulsive. My knee does not tolerate exercise well anymore, yet I used to be able to push myself to exercise in spite of pain. I liked the results so much...I hated the exercise but loved what it did for me. I am at a loss...I don't know how to fix this...I don't know how to regain what I had, that drive, that motivation. I don't know how to become a woman I feel good about again. My urge and inclination are to push the world away and hole myself up somewhere. The only problem with that is that I know how lonely that becomes. So my choices now are deal with the fear, somehow, some way, or hide away. I'm not doing so well with the fear.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-58870042930719973041999-07-26T11:16:00.000-07:002009-03-11T11:17:21.503-07:00Thoughts on LoveSometimes I sit here and think about you for what seems likes hours...and I smile to myself...because I think of your smile, your gentle touch, your sweet and soothing voice, your arms around me, or something silly you said or did, or that really cute grin you have when you know I am being evil in some way, and you want to know how. I think about kissing you, and how I get that warm rush when I think about being with you, or when I remember just how your touch felt to me. I wonder in amazement at your patience and understanding with me...and I wonder how I managed to be so incredibly lucky...how did I manage to be the one you picked? I think about you and I start to cry with joy because you are everything I have ever hoped and dreamed for...and all the lonely times I spent no longer matter, because I held out...and it was not in vain. Yes indeed, sometimes I know just how blessed I am...and I am grateful, truly and deeply grateful for you. I love you Rob.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-66835610681281401531999-07-14T11:34:00.000-07:002009-03-11T11:35:12.608-07:00You are...You are the relieving sigh<br />At the end of trying day.<br />You are the warmth of the sun<br />As it lights my face<br />In the crisp, clear, deep blue skies<br />Of a brisk autumn day.<br />You are the earthy, soothing, smoky smell<br />Of a fire burning in some distant hearth.<br />You are a cool, gentle breeze<br />On the hottest of summer days.<br />You are a warm, soft towel<br />Wrapped around a cool, wet body,<br />Providing dry warmth.<br /><br />You are the smile on your little girl's face,<br />The twinkling light in her blue eyes,<br />The laughter that crosses her lips.<br />You are the golden glow of energy<br />That radiates from her tiny body.<br />You are her soft fingertips<br />Held gently against my cheek.<br />You are the awe and wonder<br />I see on her face,<br />Day after day.<br /><br />You are my partner.<br />You are my passion.<br />You share my hopes and dreams.<br />You are my confidante.<br />You hear my deepest, darkest secrets.<br />You hear my fears.<br />You are the reason I can cry without worry.<br />You are the reason I feel safe at night.<br />You are the reason I feel loved.<br /><br />You are the reason for my love.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-44701690683490282811999-07-01T11:17:00.000-07:002009-03-11T11:17:48.205-07:00Some Days Are Just A StruggleThough most of my days are pretty upbeat, from time to time I hit "patches" where my self-confidence wanes, my outlook is a bit more bleak than usual, and I get myself into a funk. I find myself in this state now...and I am struggling to rid myself of the mood, the melancholia, that is making me feel about as gray and chilled as the skies and climate outside my window.<br /><br />I have recently made some pretty major changes in my life. About two months ago, I left my job of 4.5 years, picked up my belongings and moved...to a new state where a good job opportunity awaited me and where I would be much closer to the man I love and adore. The move itself, packing, changing utilities over and whatnot, was all very stressful...but I must admit, I find it less stressful than what I am experiencing now. The upheaval of my household was temporary...the bills are sort of dying down...financially things are beginning to fall back into place...the boxes are all gone...the pictures are all hung.<br /><br />What I find most disturbing are two things. In my new job, which I do still believe to be a wonderful growth opportunity for me, I am not meeting my own expectations for learning and contributing to this company. What is more, I fear that I may not be meeting my employer's expectations either. That leaves me uncertain, my confidence a bit shaky. The training I was expecting has not really happened...as my supervisor told me the other day, they have sort of fallen short in that. My gut feeling though, is that their expectation of my "taking the ball and running with it" may have been a bit overzealous, but nonetheless they still expect I should be learning. I am not the best "self-taught" individual...I do not learn well with just a book in hand. I hope the chat my supervisor and I had is not an indication they are ready to "abandon ship" with me. I have never been fired and it is not something that I would like to experience...though I suppose if it happens, it was meant to be yet another learning experience for me and I will deal with. Thankfully I would not have to deal with it alone.<br /><br />My second uneasiness comes from feeling a bit "lost" without my close and dear friends who were merely 10 minutes away before. We still keep in touch regularly...we probably actually communicate more now than we did before because we make a concerted effort to chat now and then. But I miss knowing that I can jump in my car and just drive 10 minutes and be having coffee with my closest friend. Charlene and her hubby Rich have been my touchstones for the past 7+ years...they have been there no matter what catastrophe or joy is heaped upon my doorstep. I have the support and love of Rob up here...without it, I would be lost. But I am missing those friends who are "mine" as I have yet to make any of my own living here. The friends that I do have here are, of course, valuable to me. Not to claim they are not cherished. But my sense of independence is lacking...I am not settled enough or not adventurous enough, I am not sure which yet. I am struggling to feel self-sufficient emotionally. That scares me...I do not want, nor do I think it is healthy, to rely on just one person for my emotional support. I realize it will take time to make new friends. And it is unrealistic to expect those friendships to be as tried and true, at least immediately, as those I have developed over the past 9 years.<br /><br />I wonder sometimes if I have adequately expressed my gratitude for the friendships that I have. I hope that those I love, and who apparently love me, realize how much their words of encouragement and love mean to me right now. I find myself needing them so much.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-70428407354753950471999-05-24T11:34:00.000-07:002009-03-11T11:34:44.924-07:00Sharing My Life With YouThis morning I kissed you goodbye.<br />And it seems an eternity<br />Before I will kiss your lips hello again.<br />Though only hours pass between the time together,<br />Each moment with you is delightful, exciting, alive.<br />I miss you more than words can express.<br />There are times my eyes swell with tears,<br />Reflecting on the joy you have brought into my life.<br /><br />I am afraid, at once, for the intensity of what I feel.<br />These feelings violate the promise made to myself years ago.<br />A promise to protect, to rebuild my fortress,<br />To shield my heart from another heartbreak.<br /><br />Then I close my eyes.<br />And I see your eyes before me,<br />Looking into mine,<br />Conveying a warm caress,<br />A tenderness of heart.<br />The swells of emotion and memories reassure me.<br />There is nothing I would not give to have you in my life,<br />To hold and embrace you within my heart.<br /><br />Your touch, your soothing voice, your calm manner,<br />I would not trade these for all the mountaintops.<br />Nor would I trade your love for the enticing and invigorating breeze,<br />Felt upon my skin as I stand atop a hillside,<br />The warmth of the sun penetrating my body.<br />I would not give your love away for a rushing brook,<br />Or the soothing sound of the retreating surf on a pebble beach.<br /><br />The mountains, the breeze, and the surf<br />Have always been a part of my life.<br />And they brought me joy and peace.<br />And now that I have you to share them with,<br />They seem even more beautiful and calming,<br />Restoring my serenity.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-27657777609596157011999-02-18T11:17:00.000-08:002009-03-11T11:18:24.108-07:00The Love of a MotherI have thought often about sharing what I have written on this site with certain members of my family. Most, to this day, don’t know the site even exists. My fear has always been that it would be read and its content would wound. That is not the intention of these pages, yet it is a possible reaction/result of its ingestion. Recently my mom visited with family. While there, they attempted to find my website, which my mother knows exists, but I had never given her the URL. I’m not quite sure I remember telling her that its content was rather serious, intense, etc. But, the other day she e-mailed me and mentioned they had searched for the address to no avail. I considered glossing over the comment, and not addressing it. And then I thought about it and decided to share it with my mom…I made that decision for a variety of reasons.<br /><br />While the content of these pages is an honest portrayal of my experiences, and my feelings and thoughts surrounding those experiences, others may not share that same perspective. And until now, I think I was more afraid of the conflict it might arouse than the closeness it might encourage. Nothing in these pages is news to my mom…she lived through these experiences with me…she was part of them. I realized though, that in the past several years, I am not the only person who has done a lot of work and soul searching. My mother has been working very hard on herself as well…and it is evidenced clearly in how our relationship has developed and matured. I respect and love her for the strides she has made and the openness she has tried to nurture in herself with regards to my experiences and feelings. By no means is our relationship perfect, but it’s honest, it’s pretty open, and it improves all the time.<br /><br />My mom may be reading this soon, as well as reading the other things which are here. I write this in part for her to know how I feel about her, but also for you as the reader to understand how relationships evolve and how much things really have changed for me over the years. I don’t live in isolation, I do not change without witnessing and sometimes affecting changes in others…and that is a two-way street. Others change and I change in response to those changes…sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. I have thanked many people on these pages for their support, kindness, and love. There is another person who needs thanking here…for sticking by me, for loving me, for working so hard to better herself and as a result be a better parent/person. I love you mom, and I thank you for being my mom through it all.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-8462813985591023251999-01-01T11:11:00.000-08:002009-03-11T11:12:22.217-07:00Thoughts To Start The Day With<span style="font-weight:bold;">"Guidelines To A Happy Life"</span><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Author Unknown</span><br /><br />Live a simple life.<br />Be temperate in your habits and avoid selfishness.<br /><br />Spend less than you earn.<br />Avoid extravagances and keep out of debt.<br /><br />Think constructively.<br />Train yourself to think clear, useful thoughts.<br /><br />Try to see the other person’s point of view.<br />Resist the tendency to want things your own way.<br /><br />Develop good friends and business associates.<br /><br />Rule your moods.<br />Don’t let them rule you.<br /><br />Give generously.<br /><br />Be interested in other people.<br /><br />Work with righteous, honest motives.<br /><br />Live one day at a time.<br />Concentrate on the task at hand, and avoid attempting too much at one time.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-69818588744318999561998-12-17T11:18:00.000-08:002009-03-11T11:18:59.033-07:00The Joy and Magic of Christmas...ReturnedI’ve thought a great deal about the holidays this year. The holidays are such a mixed bag of thoughts and emotions, and I’ve run the gamut over the past several years.<br /><br />Earlier this week was the anniversary of the day my ex-husband left me. Back in 1995, I went home expecting to find my husband. Instead, I found an apartment empty except for furnishings and Faith (my loyal and faithful cat for the past 8-½ years). I got her when I first got out of the hospital, and her name was chosen carefully. When I left the hospital, I was very scared but determined to do something with my life. I wasn't ready to let my life just fizzle out. I knew I would be alone at first, and so I got a cat to keep me company. I also knew that making it on my own, believing I could make it on my own, would require a lot of faith in some things intangible, myself, a higher power, and the future. And so I named my cat Faith, so that there was something real I could hold onto and see, and I could believe would help carry me through. Somewhat of a metaphor I suppose...but anyway...I digress...<br /><br />It snowed here on December 14, 1995. It took me hours to get home, and as I said, the apartment was eerily empty. My ex-husband called that night, said he was on his way home, and that was the last time I heard from him for 5 days. Mind you, the holidays with my ex were never a huge hoopla...they were a very, very quiet time between us. He had so many sad anniversaries and memories of the holidays it made holidays, particularly Christmas, rather somber occasions. Growing up, Christmas had always been wonderful and fun and exciting. When I was involved with my ex, Christmas became a quiet, thoughtful (though not necessarily peaceful), loving holiday. I suppose that isn’t really all bad, but it was not something I looked forward to with anticipation. This is my 4th Christmas without him.<br /><br />Christmas morning has been hard every year since he left me. We had our rituals. I remember waking up, snuggling, exchanging our gifts, and making breakfast together...just spending quiet time together before trekking to his parent’s house. The first 2 years after my ex left, my mom was with me on Christmas day, and that made it better for me. But the last 2 years, well, I've spent Christmas alone. And I don't want to whine, because it really hasn't been all that bad. I've learned to do a lot of things alone that I'd otherwise love to share with someone else. And I have always tried to do my best to make the most of it. I usually succeed with a minimum of tears. The tears fall regardless, and I give them their due. Then I try to remember there are many people I love, and there is goodness and beauty all around me. I take a walk, think, pay attention to the crisp air, the clear blue sky, the white cleanness of freshly fallen snow, or the smell of a fire burning in the distance. And I remember that this is just one day in 365, and that most of the rest of them are really good days. A few, well, they need a little work now and then to get through.<br /><br />This year is different for me. It's different for me because this year I have someone in my life that I care very deeply for. He has brought light and goodness into my life. He makes me smile and feel very much alive, loved, and wanted...and for who knows what absurd reason, seems to want my love in return. And I give it gladly, willingly, whole-heartedly. He has made a difference in my life. I can see things in myself now that I know I’ve done, but never really recognized in myself. Though sometimes I still struggle, I know, he has helped me to believe that I have value, that I am loved, that someone would miss me in this world should I be gone tomorrow.<br /><br />This Christmas will be the first for me in at least 8 years that I am really happy inside again, and not so alone because of him. I always hoped to have magic at Christmas again, but I don’t know that I ever really knew it would happen. It’s been a long time coming. This holiday season will be a tough one for him. And although I can’t take away his troubles, I wanted him to know that I love him, and that I am here for him…to love, to hold, to cuddle, to listen, to share whatever magic the season brings. I look forward to waking up beside him Christmas morning, and snuggling, and wishing him a Merry Christmas! Thank you Rob, for loving me and making a difference in my life. I love you Rob! Merry Christmas!Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-16818746013383370521998-11-18T11:33:00.000-08:002009-03-11T11:34:17.389-07:00Opening BlossomOn the swells of emotion,<br />Perilously close to exposing the tenderness and love I feel for you.<br />Nothing intimidates me more than knowing the power I give you when I say I love you.<br />I try gently to forge forward, unfettered by my fear.<br />I pray silently that you may treat me gently, and handle me with care.<br />My heart is delicate when given completely.<br /><br />At times, I forget that you may share this trepidation.<br />I want you, and I love you.<br />It scares me to know how much I feel for you in such a short time.<br />So many things we have yet to learn about each other.<br />I have made mistakes before with others.<br />I hope I have learned from them,<br />I want not to repeat them with you.<br />Have patience with me as I learn to be open with you.<br />You have been kind and open with me,<br />That encourages me to be the same.<br /><br />This flower of my heart, squelched before in full bloom, yearns to open to you now.<br />Its petals are soft and tender, bruised easily.<br />I want to share it with you.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-69655734254217590141998-11-10T11:19:00.000-08:002009-03-11T11:19:27.248-07:00Everything Old Is New AgainIt's been a while since I've written here, and today is the one year anniversary of starting my page. So much has happened in this past year. I've watched numerous life cycles go full circle. I started my site for a variety of reasons. I had something to say to anyone willing to listen. I still believe in that message of hope and love. There are a great many people in my life to thank for being a wonderful part of my life. My thanks are still heartfelt in my thoughts daily.<br /><br />Of course, within the past year I have met so many new people as well. And I've seen the cycles of people getting close, and then watching (unfortunately) that closeness ebb away. I'm not one to approach friendship or any relationship meekly. I am an intense person, and I have fairly high expectations of honesty and directness in all of my relationships, both of myself and of others. Sometimes it's not the best thing in the world, and I am learning to be a bit less rigid in my expectations of both myself and others. There are many people that I have met and grown close to over this amazing means of communication called the internet. I have grown closer to family who are far away...I have shared myself in ways that I was previously too self-conscious to share before, and through that have learned that I can be more open in person as well. I am learning to be silly and have fun, and occasionally be a little childlike...not things that I really had much opportunity to do as a child but qualities I value and admire in others. I'm learning...and so many people are helping me with that and accepting me as I look silly and foolish. But more than accepting me, they encourage me...they help me see what it is to be "normal" and have fun.<br /><br />Lately, in addition to a newfound sense of spontaneity and adventure, I have found myself experiencing greater calm with myself and the world around me...more self-assurance to be as I am or feel I am in my heart. There are many people who have attributed to this, but one in particular to whom I owe a word of gratitude. I can't explain it, because I don't understand it...but somehow, his quiet acceptance of who I am, well, I can feel it, I can see it when I look into his eyes, I can feel it when he holds me, and I hear it in his voice. I hope he will forgive my foibles as I learn along the way...and I hope we will continue to grow in friendship, because I think he's a very, very amazing and special man. Thank you Rob for being my friend...every day with you I feel better about me. I like the person you are helping me to be. You may not even realize it, but I really like who I am when I am with you.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-74877535715323029221998-07-30T11:33:00.000-07:002009-03-11T11:33:51.703-07:00OverwhelmedOverlooking the warning signs, venturing out on a limb where I should not be.<br />Each twist and turn creating more doubt, wreaking havoc with my heart.<br />Reluctant to give in to the panic, although it weighs me down.<br />Holding my mind and heart hostage.<br />Etched in my mind is your face, your smell, your touch, your voice, your eyes.<br />Looking into your eyes I felt connected.<br />More and more, I realize am I simply overwhelmed, overloaded, and exhausted.<br />Desperate to let go of these thoughts of you, yet they persist.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-67577387647316007161998-06-23T11:33:00.000-07:002009-03-11T11:33:28.030-07:00My Trembling HeartMy eyes yearn to look inside your soul,<br />To know you, love you, embrace you.<br />Revealing myself to you is something I contemplate with great trepidation.<br />My mind goes blank when I try to speak, leaving me helpless, grappling with my fear.<br />Nothing I tell myself allows me to loosen<br />The grip of terror in which my heart is captured,<br />The terror that you will leave me.<br /><br />How I hope you can understand I love you,<br />I want to be with you,<br />Evolve with you,<br />Grow with you.<br />In time, open up to you.<br />I have so many insecurities.<br />People have abandoned me in their frustration, anger, and disgust.<br />In my heart I always believe this abandonment inevitable.<br />And so I push people away, before they can leave.<br />I fear that inherently I am unlovable and in time, you will leave me.<br />These are my fears, my heart, my love.<br />I share them with you now so you may understand me a little better.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-84846777966137231871998-05-17T11:32:00.000-07:002009-03-11T11:33:04.727-07:00If I Have Not Told You Lately...If I have not told you lately...<br /><br />That just the thought of you makes me smile;<br />That when I am with you I feel safe and loved;<br />That my heart picks up its pace when I hear your voice;<br />That my days are brighter because of you;<br />That my nights are not so lonely, thinking of being with you again.<br /><br />If I have not told you lately...<br /><br />That I believe in you, in your kindness and goodness, and strength and devotion;<br />That I know you are struggling right now;<br />That I would like to be a source of encouragement and strength to you, if you will simply let me;<br />That I will be beside you whenever you need me, and stand back when you need to stand alone;<br />That I will be your friend whenever you need one.<br /><br />If I have not told you lately...<br /><br />That my soul is happy to have met yours;<br />That my heart swells with affection for you;<br />That I long to be with you and I dream of the time we have to share;<br />That I have found a place of comfort and joy in your arms;<br />That your eyes speak volumes when I look into them.<br /><br />If I have not told you lately...<br /><br />That I love you.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-24439385997273079991998-02-13T11:19:00.000-08:002009-03-11T11:20:10.243-07:00On Love"Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love." –Kahlil GibranAmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-91573703986444056451998-02-08T11:20:00.000-08:002009-03-11T11:20:37.948-07:00Practice Random Acts of Kindness?It seems sometimes that we are all far more affectionate and caring, outwardly so anyway, in chat than in our day to day lives. The reality is, we all need affection and compassion. We all openly recognize this need in chat, and fulfill it in both ourselves and others with great regularity through chat hugs. Why then is it so difficult in our day to day lives to acknowledge these needs and perhaps meet them in those we care about? Do we have trouble admitting our needs to others? Exposing our tenderness, our humanity? Is it that to do so would leave us more vulnerable? It takes far more courage to be kind than it does to be apathetic.<br /><br />I have seen this bumper sticker on several occasions: Practice random acts of kindness. Sad that it is an admirable concept to practice RANDOM acts of kindness. Wouldn't it be more admirable to treat others with kindness and compassion and concern as a general rule?Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-7548667996042944561998-02-01T11:31:00.000-08:002009-03-11T11:31:38.101-07:00If You Could See Beneath The SurfaceIf you could see beneath the surface,<br />Of my cool and subdued countenance,<br />You would see a love and passion,<br />Yearning to be shared with you.<br /><br />My heart beats with trepidation,<br />Each time you hold me in your arms.<br />And I long to tell you of my desires,<br />To know your heart, to share its dreams.<br /><br />The words I long to tell you,<br />Have approached my lips so many times.<br />And the fearful pounding of my heart<br />Recalls those words before spoken.<br /><br />Someday I may find the courage,<br />To tell you how I feel.<br />For now my passion will only peek through,<br />Shown in the twinkle of my blue eyes.<br /><br />I wonder if you see what I feel<br />When you hold me and touch me.<br />I wonder if you'll ever read this.<br />I wonder if it will scare you away.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-14184237115483432551998-01-10T11:20:00.000-08:002009-03-11T11:21:38.210-07:00Lust, Love, and LonelinessI realized just a few weeks ago that I have not once mentioned on my pages (except in my poems) the one true and deep love that I have experienced in my life…so far anyway. And through the holidays, I must say that my ex-husband has been on my mind a great deal. I suppose that happened for a variety of reasons, like his calling me just before Thanksgiving (and a couple of times since), and the anniversary of his departure from our marriage (eleven days before Christmas, two years this past Christmas). When I think of him I feel so many things…without him, I wouldn’t be where I am now…he was my best friend for many, many years. And losing him broke my heart and devastated my life for a while there.<br /><br />I think I spent many years growing up thinking love was lust, or love could be spawned from lust. I also know that I sought love in many, many ways…ways which I am not today particularly proud of, but I have nonetheless learned a great deal from. I have goals for myself, and one of them is not to make those same judgement errors and confuse lust and loneliness for anything other than what they are–fleeting, momentary, repetitive aspects of life. We have all lusted after persons in our lives…sometimes we even act upon that lust…sometimes with great satisfaction followed by nothing, sometimes with great pleasure followed by horrible emptiness, and sometimes for what appears, after the fact, to have been for nothing at all. No pleasure, no emotional connection, no satisfaction whatsoever.<br /><br />I did not learn a great deal of respect for myself or my body growing up. And sometimes it surprises me that I have not made worse choices for companions in my life. I did not marry a man who beat me, or who verbally abused me…I married a man who was: an addict, incredibly sensitive and often very, very kind, generous to a fault, emotionally immature and unstable, and often emotionally and physically unavailable to me. I knew these things about him when I married him. We had lived together for five and a half years when we married…I knew we would have it rough…we both had difficult backgrounds. But I believed that we were both on a path of self-discovery and personal growth. Our purpose together was to be each other’s greatest protector of the other’s solitude, to unconditionally support the other in whatever needed doing in our lives.<br /><br />Trust is bestowed upon others by me with great difficulty and pain. It was no different with my ex-husband. I remember that on our wedding night, after making the sweetest love we had ever made, I began to sob…I was terrified of having it all fall apart, of being hurt. I am not sure if somewhere in my heart I already knew he was using drugs again (he had been clean for two years before we married), or if I was just afraid of being hurt as I had been many times before. But I knew that I had given this man the best parts of myself…in fact, had given him all of what I was…my heart, my soul, my love, my joy, my sorrow, my pain. He had accepted and loved it all. Or so I thought.<br /><br />When he left, he had a choice. He could either get help and we could work through the problems together, or he could continue to get high. The choice he made was to walk away from me, my heart, my soul, my love, my joy, my sorrow, my pain…my essence, everything I had offered to him he essentially said "keep it." There were times I thought I would die…if not from a broken heart than from taking my own life. The pain is less now…and I do not any longer wish to die…but his calls, to say he is sorry, to say how messed up it was to choose drugs over me, well, all of that just complicates my life right now. I have spent the past two years learning to put myself first. To take care of me, my body, my mind. And sometimes I reflect on the past two years and am amazed at how my mind works now, the care I have for myself. I will fight the rest of my life to never lose that perspective again.<br /><br />Which brings me to the point of loneliness…I am often lonely. I miss having someone to put my arms around, to talk with and hold into the night, to know intimately and have know me. And it is not my priority to "find" someone to complete me. I am complete just as I am. But these days of loneliness creep up on me now and then, and I weep for what I feel I have lost, what I fear I will never have again. I am afraid that I will never allow myself to give of myself that completely ever again to another human being. I did not wish to marry more than once in my life. And I believe in marriage. I also believe that a person should never "settle" for less than what they desire on anything…least of all love. The most loving relationships still encounter struggles, but with some work and love, there is some victory in those struggles.<br /><br />I have encountered people in my life who remind me I am aging, that finding that perfect mate with whom you feel passion and comfort and concern, happens seldom in life. I place emphasis on the word seldom because it is not an impossibility…just a rarity. I had those things with someone once…I believe I can have it again. But if I resign myself to "settling" for less, the relationship will be doomed. I talk to people and see people who have "settled" and it strikes me as so horribly sad. There are special people we could share our lives with all over the world. And if I never meet that person, or if I am too picky (as some people say), I will be okay on my own. I will encounter my loneliness, share it with friends who help to soften and take the edge off of my sadness. And I will remember that the acuteness of my loneliness will pass…it always does. I can ride this wave out, just as I have before.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-67404926247189285601998-01-01T11:30:00.000-08:002009-03-11T11:31:15.599-07:00No Bridges BurnedNothing has made me capable of erasing you from my heart.<br /><br />Broken as my heart was.<br />Ripped apart by the insane desire to gather strength,<br />Endure hardship, suffer through love beside you.<br /><br />Bolstered now by our separation,<br />My heart and soul were uplifted to hear your voice,<br />Resonating in my ears and in my mind.<br />Nothing could ever change what I feel for you.<br />Eternally my heart belongs to you.<br />Destined we are to be connected always, heart, body, and soul.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-56999567432402671471997-12-19T11:21:00.000-08:002009-03-11T11:22:12.000-07:00Stability and RoutineThe past several days I’ve found myself contemplating the concept of stability…as it applies to my emotional state, the world of material goods around me, my family. In my view, when it applies to the world of objects around me, I tend to think of that as my "routine." The other morning I was fixing my morning tea to have with my breakfast after my morning workout…the repetitiveness of these actions and choices slapped me clear in the face. And for a moment or two, I thought to myself "oh how boring this is Amy…you usually have the same breakfast, the same routine, day after day." And then I hopped into the shower, this vein still present in my mind. I decided that having a routine, while I wouldn’t call it a rigid one but which is still unmodified from day to day, isn’t boring at all. In fact, I decided that it was one of the best things about my world that day, and on many other days as well.<br /><br />I recall days when I didn’t have any idea what the day ahead would hold in store for me. Would my family be self-involved in yet another crisis? Would that crisis result in an ultimatum to "shape up or ship out" as so many crises did when I was a child? I lived in terror that I would screw up somehow, misbehave unknowingly, and piss off my mother so much that she would throw me out. This was a common threat from the time I was around 5 until I was an adolescent. During those younger years, I had no confidence in my ability to survive if I was forced to be on my own. I know for fact that there are youngsters who survive under such conditions, homeless and without family so to speak, but at what cost to themselves and their development?<br /><br />I wondered how I would eat, where I would sleep, how I would stay clean, how I would get an education, how would I survive. And because the expectations of behavior were never clearly defined in my house, or perhaps because they changed at random (on the rare occasion they were given), I became (or maybe I already was???) clairsensitive. You’ve all heard of a clairvoyant; well, I’m not clairvoyant. I can’t perceive things I can’t see; well, not exactly. But what I can perceive are feelings. I have extremely acute sense of the emotions churning about in another people. It’s as though I can hear a tuning fork's hum in my ears that tunes me in to what’s going on with someone, even when I'm not with the person. Some of you reading this may understand what I'm describing and some may not. I am not talking about hearing voices, or hearing someone's thoughts, merely being highly "tuned in" to their emotional state. And as a child, I wore this sensitivity like a shield, to protect me from my family by warning me of what would be appropriate behavior at any given time.<br /><br />On the rare days when I let my guard down and failed to "listen" to what that sensitivity was telling me, the days when I actually indulged in being a child, the days when I laughed and talked about boys and music and playing with friends, those were the days I felt I had betrayed myself most horribly. Those were the days when I tuned out the emotions coming to me…and those days were mistakes.<br /><br />I’m not sure I really know how to play…I’ve always wanted children but been desperately afraid of having them. I believe that children need to be allowed to be children. And that parents need to allow and encourage their children to enjoy childhood...it comes but once and lasts just a few short formative years. What if the parent never knew how to be a child? How in heaven’s name can that parent advocate for that child’s childhood? In order to teach a child to frolic and play and laugh, doesn’t the parent need to know how to do all those? At the age of 29, I find myself questioning how easily I can laugh and play and forget the worries of the world—not irresponsibly, but temporarily clear my head to enjoy the world around me and all it has to offer. I need a teacher myself. I know I'm a serious person, and there's nothing wrong with that. But I'd like to learn how to "play."<br /><br />In any event, how does all of this pertain to routine you ask? Well, I figured this much out the other day. My routine may seem very boring to others who might like to see it shaken up a bit now and again. To me, the routine is comforting, it is stability. That stability allows my mind to not obsess about how I will survive, what I will be doing tomorrow, I can let those things go somewhat because of the routine. The obvious result is that my mind is then open to explore other thoughts, entertain new activities, attempt to indulge in life. I battle to love live…I struggle daily to want it. I know that I desperately need to want and love life. And some days, though not all, I can actually see glimpses of the joys life has to offer. So, if my routine seems boring and mundane to some, I no longer feel the need to defend it. I know what purpose it serves for me. It’s value to me is inexplicable.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-46850794963986992381997-12-16T11:22:00.000-08:002009-03-11T11:22:46.580-07:00Work is Love Made Visible"Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the grate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy." –Kahlil GibranAmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-48747339355714146611997-11-01T11:30:00.001-08:002009-03-11T11:30:51.480-07:00Look DeeperLanguid movements overcome the spirit which seeks flight into new territory.<br />Only a temporary setback to the keenness with which I attempt to master life’s challenges.<br /><br />Doubt creeps in every now and then,<br />Eroding only slightly the progress made in days past.<br />Eventually, the steps are forward again,<br />Rebounding me into greater growth and understanding.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-554139665047863538.post-16307798936377727911997-11-01T11:30:00.000-08:002009-03-11T11:30:27.070-07:00Sinking FeelingsSometimes the words are not forthcoming.<br />Instead there are these feelings, nagging at my gut,<br />Keeping me stuck in some past memory.<br />Nemeses so nasty and gnat-like,<br />Drawing upon my energy to merely keep them at bay.<br /><br />Forging new ground.<br />Extending myself beyond previous self-imposed limits.<br />I am quite certain I have done this before.<br />Now I must focus on things for which<br />I am grateful to have in my life…for life itself,<br />Setting my heart and mind free to move on.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07606558281723054794noreply@blogger.com0