On the swells of emotion,
Perilously close to exposing the tenderness and love I feel for you.
Nothing intimidates me more than knowing the power I give you when I say I love you.
I try gently to forge forward, unfettered by my fear.
I pray silently that you may treat me gently, and handle me with care.
My heart is delicate when given completely.
At times, I forget that you may share this trepidation.
I want you, and I love you.
It scares me to know how much I feel for you in such a short time.
So many things we have yet to learn about each other.
I have made mistakes before with others.
I hope I have learned from them,
I want not to repeat them with you.
Have patience with me as I learn to be open with you.
You have been kind and open with me,
That encourages me to be the same.
This flower of my heart, squelched before in full bloom, yearns to open to you now.
Its petals are soft and tender, bruised easily.
I want to share it with you.
Wednesday, November 18, 1998
Tuesday, November 10, 1998
Everything Old Is New Again
It's been a while since I've written here, and today is the one year anniversary of starting my page. So much has happened in this past year. I've watched numerous life cycles go full circle. I started my site for a variety of reasons. I had something to say to anyone willing to listen. I still believe in that message of hope and love. There are a great many people in my life to thank for being a wonderful part of my life. My thanks are still heartfelt in my thoughts daily.
Of course, within the past year I have met so many new people as well. And I've seen the cycles of people getting close, and then watching (unfortunately) that closeness ebb away. I'm not one to approach friendship or any relationship meekly. I am an intense person, and I have fairly high expectations of honesty and directness in all of my relationships, both of myself and of others. Sometimes it's not the best thing in the world, and I am learning to be a bit less rigid in my expectations of both myself and others. There are many people that I have met and grown close to over this amazing means of communication called the internet. I have grown closer to family who are far away...I have shared myself in ways that I was previously too self-conscious to share before, and through that have learned that I can be more open in person as well. I am learning to be silly and have fun, and occasionally be a little childlike...not things that I really had much opportunity to do as a child but qualities I value and admire in others. I'm learning...and so many people are helping me with that and accepting me as I look silly and foolish. But more than accepting me, they encourage me...they help me see what it is to be "normal" and have fun.
Lately, in addition to a newfound sense of spontaneity and adventure, I have found myself experiencing greater calm with myself and the world around me...more self-assurance to be as I am or feel I am in my heart. There are many people who have attributed to this, but one in particular to whom I owe a word of gratitude. I can't explain it, because I don't understand it...but somehow, his quiet acceptance of who I am, well, I can feel it, I can see it when I look into his eyes, I can feel it when he holds me, and I hear it in his voice. I hope he will forgive my foibles as I learn along the way...and I hope we will continue to grow in friendship, because I think he's a very, very amazing and special man. Thank you Rob for being my friend...every day with you I feel better about me. I like the person you are helping me to be. You may not even realize it, but I really like who I am when I am with you.
Of course, within the past year I have met so many new people as well. And I've seen the cycles of people getting close, and then watching (unfortunately) that closeness ebb away. I'm not one to approach friendship or any relationship meekly. I am an intense person, and I have fairly high expectations of honesty and directness in all of my relationships, both of myself and of others. Sometimes it's not the best thing in the world, and I am learning to be a bit less rigid in my expectations of both myself and others. There are many people that I have met and grown close to over this amazing means of communication called the internet. I have grown closer to family who are far away...I have shared myself in ways that I was previously too self-conscious to share before, and through that have learned that I can be more open in person as well. I am learning to be silly and have fun, and occasionally be a little childlike...not things that I really had much opportunity to do as a child but qualities I value and admire in others. I'm learning...and so many people are helping me with that and accepting me as I look silly and foolish. But more than accepting me, they encourage me...they help me see what it is to be "normal" and have fun.
Lately, in addition to a newfound sense of spontaneity and adventure, I have found myself experiencing greater calm with myself and the world around me...more self-assurance to be as I am or feel I am in my heart. There are many people who have attributed to this, but one in particular to whom I owe a word of gratitude. I can't explain it, because I don't understand it...but somehow, his quiet acceptance of who I am, well, I can feel it, I can see it when I look into his eyes, I can feel it when he holds me, and I hear it in his voice. I hope he will forgive my foibles as I learn along the way...and I hope we will continue to grow in friendship, because I think he's a very, very amazing and special man. Thank you Rob for being my friend...every day with you I feel better about me. I like the person you are helping me to be. You may not even realize it, but I really like who I am when I am with you.
Thursday, July 30, 1998
Overwhelmed
Overlooking the warning signs, venturing out on a limb where I should not be.
Each twist and turn creating more doubt, wreaking havoc with my heart.
Reluctant to give in to the panic, although it weighs me down.
Holding my mind and heart hostage.
Etched in my mind is your face, your smell, your touch, your voice, your eyes.
Looking into your eyes I felt connected.
More and more, I realize am I simply overwhelmed, overloaded, and exhausted.
Desperate to let go of these thoughts of you, yet they persist.
Each twist and turn creating more doubt, wreaking havoc with my heart.
Reluctant to give in to the panic, although it weighs me down.
Holding my mind and heart hostage.
Etched in my mind is your face, your smell, your touch, your voice, your eyes.
Looking into your eyes I felt connected.
More and more, I realize am I simply overwhelmed, overloaded, and exhausted.
Desperate to let go of these thoughts of you, yet they persist.
Tuesday, June 23, 1998
My Trembling Heart
My eyes yearn to look inside your soul,
To know you, love you, embrace you.
Revealing myself to you is something I contemplate with great trepidation.
My mind goes blank when I try to speak, leaving me helpless, grappling with my fear.
Nothing I tell myself allows me to loosen
The grip of terror in which my heart is captured,
The terror that you will leave me.
How I hope you can understand I love you,
I want to be with you,
Evolve with you,
Grow with you.
In time, open up to you.
I have so many insecurities.
People have abandoned me in their frustration, anger, and disgust.
In my heart I always believe this abandonment inevitable.
And so I push people away, before they can leave.
I fear that inherently I am unlovable and in time, you will leave me.
These are my fears, my heart, my love.
I share them with you now so you may understand me a little better.
To know you, love you, embrace you.
Revealing myself to you is something I contemplate with great trepidation.
My mind goes blank when I try to speak, leaving me helpless, grappling with my fear.
Nothing I tell myself allows me to loosen
The grip of terror in which my heart is captured,
The terror that you will leave me.
How I hope you can understand I love you,
I want to be with you,
Evolve with you,
Grow with you.
In time, open up to you.
I have so many insecurities.
People have abandoned me in their frustration, anger, and disgust.
In my heart I always believe this abandonment inevitable.
And so I push people away, before they can leave.
I fear that inherently I am unlovable and in time, you will leave me.
These are my fears, my heart, my love.
I share them with you now so you may understand me a little better.
Sunday, May 17, 1998
If I Have Not Told You Lately...
If I have not told you lately...
That just the thought of you makes me smile;
That when I am with you I feel safe and loved;
That my heart picks up its pace when I hear your voice;
That my days are brighter because of you;
That my nights are not so lonely, thinking of being with you again.
If I have not told you lately...
That I believe in you, in your kindness and goodness, and strength and devotion;
That I know you are struggling right now;
That I would like to be a source of encouragement and strength to you, if you will simply let me;
That I will be beside you whenever you need me, and stand back when you need to stand alone;
That I will be your friend whenever you need one.
If I have not told you lately...
That my soul is happy to have met yours;
That my heart swells with affection for you;
That I long to be with you and I dream of the time we have to share;
That I have found a place of comfort and joy in your arms;
That your eyes speak volumes when I look into them.
If I have not told you lately...
That I love you.
That just the thought of you makes me smile;
That when I am with you I feel safe and loved;
That my heart picks up its pace when I hear your voice;
That my days are brighter because of you;
That my nights are not so lonely, thinking of being with you again.
If I have not told you lately...
That I believe in you, in your kindness and goodness, and strength and devotion;
That I know you are struggling right now;
That I would like to be a source of encouragement and strength to you, if you will simply let me;
That I will be beside you whenever you need me, and stand back when you need to stand alone;
That I will be your friend whenever you need one.
If I have not told you lately...
That my soul is happy to have met yours;
That my heart swells with affection for you;
That I long to be with you and I dream of the time we have to share;
That I have found a place of comfort and joy in your arms;
That your eyes speak volumes when I look into them.
If I have not told you lately...
That I love you.
Friday, February 13, 1998
On Love
"Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love." –Kahlil Gibran
Sunday, February 8, 1998
Practice Random Acts of Kindness?
It seems sometimes that we are all far more affectionate and caring, outwardly so anyway, in chat than in our day to day lives. The reality is, we all need affection and compassion. We all openly recognize this need in chat, and fulfill it in both ourselves and others with great regularity through chat hugs. Why then is it so difficult in our day to day lives to acknowledge these needs and perhaps meet them in those we care about? Do we have trouble admitting our needs to others? Exposing our tenderness, our humanity? Is it that to do so would leave us more vulnerable? It takes far more courage to be kind than it does to be apathetic.
I have seen this bumper sticker on several occasions: Practice random acts of kindness. Sad that it is an admirable concept to practice RANDOM acts of kindness. Wouldn't it be more admirable to treat others with kindness and compassion and concern as a general rule?
I have seen this bumper sticker on several occasions: Practice random acts of kindness. Sad that it is an admirable concept to practice RANDOM acts of kindness. Wouldn't it be more admirable to treat others with kindness and compassion and concern as a general rule?
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