Thoughts on Love

Sometimes I sit here and think about you for what seems likes hours...and I smile to myself...because I think of your smile, your gentle touch, your sweet and soothing voice, your arms around me, or something silly you said or did, or that really cute grin you have when you know I am being evil in some way, and you want to know how. I think about kissing you, and how I get that warm rush when I think about being with you, or when I remember just how your touch felt to me. I wonder in amazement at your patience and understanding with me...and I wonder how I managed to be so incredibly lucky...how did I manage to be the one you picked? I think about you and I start to cry with joy because you are everything I have ever hoped and dreamed for...and all the lonely times I spent no longer matter, because I held out...and it was not in vain. Yes indeed, sometimes I know just how blessed I am...and I am grateful, truly and deeply grateful for you. I love you Rob.

You are...

You are the relieving sigh
At the end of trying day.
You are the warmth of the sun
As it lights my face
In the crisp, clear, deep blue skies
Of a brisk autumn day.
You are the earthy, soothing, smoky smell
Of a fire burning in some distant hearth.
You are a cool, gentle breeze
On the hottest of summer days.
You are a warm, soft towel
Wrapped around a cool, wet body,
Providing dry warmth.

You are the smile on your little girl's face,
The twinkling light in her blue eyes,
The laughter that crosses her lips.
You are the golden glow of energy
That radiates from her tiny body.
You are her soft fingertips
Held gently against my cheek.
You are the awe and wonder
I see on her face,
Day after day.

You are my partner.
You are my passion.
You share my hopes and dreams.
You are my confidante.
You hear my deepest, darkest secrets.
You hear my fears.
You are the reason I can cry without worry.
You are the reason I feel safe at night.
You are the reason I feel loved.

You are the reason for my love.

Some Days Are Just A Struggle

Though most of my days are pretty upbeat, from time to time I hit "patches" where my self-confidence wanes, my outlook is a bit more bleak than usual, and I get myself into a funk. I find myself in this state now...and I am struggling to rid myself of the mood, the melancholia, that is making me feel about as gray and chilled as the skies and climate outside my window.

I have recently made some pretty major changes in my life. About two months ago, I left my job of 4.5 years, picked up my belongings and moved...to a new state where a good job opportunity awaited me and where I would be much closer to the man I love and adore. The move itself, packing, changing utilities over and whatnot, was all very stressful...but I must admit, I find it less stressful than what I am experiencing now. The upheaval of my household was temporary...the bills are sort of dying down...financially things are beginning to fall back into place...the boxes are all gone...the pictures are all hung.

What I find most disturbing are two things. In my new job, which I do still believe to be a wonderful growth opportunity for me, I am not meeting my own expectations for learning and contributing to this company. What is more, I fear that I may not be meeting my employer's expectations either. That leaves me uncertain, my confidence a bit shaky. The training I was expecting has not really happened...as my supervisor told me the other day, they have sort of fallen short in that. My gut feeling though, is that their expectation of my "taking the ball and running with it" may have been a bit overzealous, but nonetheless they still expect I should be learning. I am not the best "self-taught" individual...I do not learn well with just a book in hand. I hope the chat my supervisor and I had is not an indication they are ready to "abandon ship" with me. I have never been fired and it is not something that I would like to experience...though I suppose if it happens, it was meant to be yet another learning experience for me and I will deal with. Thankfully I would not have to deal with it alone.

My second uneasiness comes from feeling a bit "lost" without my close and dear friends who were merely 10 minutes away before. We still keep in touch regularly...we probably actually communicate more now than we did before because we make a concerted effort to chat now and then. But I miss knowing that I can jump in my car and just drive 10 minutes and be having coffee with my closest friend. Charlene and her hubby Rich have been my touchstones for the past 7+ years...they have been there no matter what catastrophe or joy is heaped upon my doorstep. I have the support and love of Rob up here...without it, I would be lost. But I am missing those friends who are "mine" as I have yet to make any of my own living here. The friends that I do have here are, of course, valuable to me. Not to claim they are not cherished. But my sense of independence is lacking...I am not settled enough or not adventurous enough, I am not sure which yet. I am struggling to feel self-sufficient emotionally. That scares me...I do not want, nor do I think it is healthy, to rely on just one person for my emotional support. I realize it will take time to make new friends. And it is unrealistic to expect those friendships to be as tried and true, at least immediately, as those I have developed over the past 9 years.

I wonder sometimes if I have adequately expressed my gratitude for the friendships that I have. I hope that those I love, and who apparently love me, realize how much their words of encouragement and love mean to me right now. I find myself needing them so much.

Sharing My Life With You

This morning I kissed you goodbye.
And it seems an eternity
Before I will kiss your lips hello again.
Though only hours pass between the time together,
Each moment with you is delightful, exciting, alive.
I miss you more than words can express.
There are times my eyes swell with tears,
Reflecting on the joy you have brought into my life.

I am afraid, at once, for the intensity of what I feel.
These feelings violate the promise made to myself years ago.
A promise to protect, to rebuild my fortress,
To shield my heart from another heartbreak.

Then I close my eyes.
And I see your eyes before me,
Looking into mine,
Conveying a warm caress,
A tenderness of heart.
The swells of emotion and memories reassure me.
There is nothing I would not give to have you in my life,
To hold and embrace you within my heart.

Your touch, your soothing voice, your calm manner,
I would not trade these for all the mountaintops.
Nor would I trade your love for the enticing and invigorating breeze,
Felt upon my skin as I stand atop a hillside,
The warmth of the sun penetrating my body.
I would not give your love away for a rushing brook,
Or the soothing sound of the retreating surf on a pebble beach.

The mountains, the breeze, and the surf
Have always been a part of my life.
And they brought me joy and peace.
And now that I have you to share them with,
They seem even more beautiful and calming,
Restoring my serenity.

The Love of a Mother

I have thought often about sharing what I have written on this site with certain members of my family. Most, to this day, don’t know the site even exists. My fear has always been that it would be read and its content would wound. That is not the intention of these pages, yet it is a possible reaction/result of its ingestion. Recently my mom visited with family. While there, they attempted to find my website, which my mother knows exists, but I had never given her the URL. I’m not quite sure I remember telling her that its content was rather serious, intense, etc. But, the other day she e-mailed me and mentioned they had searched for the address to no avail. I considered glossing over the comment, and not addressing it. And then I thought about it and decided to share it with my mom…I made that decision for a variety of reasons.

While the content of these pages is an honest portrayal of my experiences, and my feelings and thoughts surrounding those experiences, others may not share that same perspective. And until now, I think I was more afraid of the conflict it might arouse than the closeness it might encourage. Nothing in these pages is news to my mom…she lived through these experiences with me…she was part of them. I realized though, that in the past several years, I am not the only person who has done a lot of work and soul searching. My mother has been working very hard on herself as well…and it is evidenced clearly in how our relationship has developed and matured. I respect and love her for the strides she has made and the openness she has tried to nurture in herself with regards to my experiences and feelings. By no means is our relationship perfect, but it’s honest, it’s pretty open, and it improves all the time.

My mom may be reading this soon, as well as reading the other things which are here. I write this in part for her to know how I feel about her, but also for you as the reader to understand how relationships evolve and how much things really have changed for me over the years. I don’t live in isolation, I do not change without witnessing and sometimes affecting changes in others…and that is a two-way street. Others change and I change in response to those changes…sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. I have thanked many people on these pages for their support, kindness, and love. There is another person who needs thanking here…for sticking by me, for loving me, for working so hard to better herself and as a result be a better parent/person. I love you mom, and I thank you for being my mom through it all.

Thoughts To Start The Day With

"Guidelines To A Happy Life"
Author Unknown

Live a simple life.
Be temperate in your habits and avoid selfishness.

Spend less than you earn.
Avoid extravagances and keep out of debt.

Think constructively.
Train yourself to think clear, useful thoughts.

Try to see the other person’s point of view.
Resist the tendency to want things your own way.

Develop good friends and business associates.

Rule your moods.
Don’t let them rule you.

Give generously.

Be interested in other people.

Work with righteous, honest motives.

Live one day at a time.
Concentrate on the task at hand, and avoid attempting too much at one time.

The Joy and Magic of Christmas...Returned

I’ve thought a great deal about the holidays this year. The holidays are such a mixed bag of thoughts and emotions, and I’ve run the gamut over the past several years.

Earlier this week was the anniversary of the day my ex-husband left me. Back in 1995, I went home expecting to find my husband. Instead, I found an apartment empty except for furnishings and Faith (my loyal and faithful cat for the past 8-½ years). I got her when I first got out of the hospital, and her name was chosen carefully. When I left the hospital, I was very scared but determined to do something with my life. I wasn't ready to let my life just fizzle out. I knew I would be alone at first, and so I got a cat to keep me company. I also knew that making it on my own, believing I could make it on my own, would require a lot of faith in some things intangible, myself, a higher power, and the future. And so I named my cat Faith, so that there was something real I could hold onto and see, and I could believe would help carry me through. Somewhat of a metaphor I suppose...but anyway...I digress...

It snowed here on December 14, 1995. It took me hours to get home, and as I said, the apartment was eerily empty. My ex-husband called that night, said he was on his way home, and that was the last time I heard from him for 5 days. Mind you, the holidays with my ex were never a huge hoopla...they were a very, very quiet time between us. He had so many sad anniversaries and memories of the holidays it made holidays, particularly Christmas, rather somber occasions. Growing up, Christmas had always been wonderful and fun and exciting. When I was involved with my ex, Christmas became a quiet, thoughtful (though not necessarily peaceful), loving holiday. I suppose that isn’t really all bad, but it was not something I looked forward to with anticipation. This is my 4th Christmas without him.

Christmas morning has been hard every year since he left me. We had our rituals. I remember waking up, snuggling, exchanging our gifts, and making breakfast together...just spending quiet time together before trekking to his parent’s house. The first 2 years after my ex left, my mom was with me on Christmas day, and that made it better for me. But the last 2 years, well, I've spent Christmas alone. And I don't want to whine, because it really hasn't been all that bad. I've learned to do a lot of things alone that I'd otherwise love to share with someone else. And I have always tried to do my best to make the most of it. I usually succeed with a minimum of tears. The tears fall regardless, and I give them their due. Then I try to remember there are many people I love, and there is goodness and beauty all around me. I take a walk, think, pay attention to the crisp air, the clear blue sky, the white cleanness of freshly fallen snow, or the smell of a fire burning in the distance. And I remember that this is just one day in 365, and that most of the rest of them are really good days. A few, well, they need a little work now and then to get through.

This year is different for me. It's different for me because this year I have someone in my life that I care very deeply for. He has brought light and goodness into my life. He makes me smile and feel very much alive, loved, and wanted...and for who knows what absurd reason, seems to want my love in return. And I give it gladly, willingly, whole-heartedly. He has made a difference in my life. I can see things in myself now that I know I’ve done, but never really recognized in myself. Though sometimes I still struggle, I know, he has helped me to believe that I have value, that I am loved, that someone would miss me in this world should I be gone tomorrow.

This Christmas will be the first for me in at least 8 years that I am really happy inside again, and not so alone because of him. I always hoped to have magic at Christmas again, but I don’t know that I ever really knew it would happen. It’s been a long time coming. This holiday season will be a tough one for him. And although I can’t take away his troubles, I wanted him to know that I love him, and that I am here for him…to love, to hold, to cuddle, to listen, to share whatever magic the season brings. I look forward to waking up beside him Christmas morning, and snuggling, and wishing him a Merry Christmas! Thank you Rob, for loving me and making a difference in my life. I love you Rob! Merry Christmas!