Wednesday, November 18, 1998

Opening Blossom

On the swells of emotion,
Perilously close to exposing the tenderness and love I feel for you.
Nothing intimidates me more than knowing the power I give you when I say I love you.
I try gently to forge forward, unfettered by my fear.
I pray silently that you may treat me gently, and handle me with care.
My heart is delicate when given completely.

At times, I forget that you may share this trepidation.
I want you, and I love you.
It scares me to know how much I feel for you in such a short time.
So many things we have yet to learn about each other.
I have made mistakes before with others.
I hope I have learned from them,
I want not to repeat them with you.
Have patience with me as I learn to be open with you.
You have been kind and open with me,
That encourages me to be the same.

This flower of my heart, squelched before in full bloom, yearns to open to you now.
Its petals are soft and tender, bruised easily.
I want to share it with you.

Tuesday, November 10, 1998

Everything Old Is New Again

It's been a while since I've written here, and today is the one year anniversary of starting my page. So much has happened in this past year. I've watched numerous life cycles go full circle. I started my site for a variety of reasons. I had something to say to anyone willing to listen. I still believe in that message of hope and love. There are a great many people in my life to thank for being a wonderful part of my life. My thanks are still heartfelt in my thoughts daily.

Of course, within the past year I have met so many new people as well. And I've seen the cycles of people getting close, and then watching (unfortunately) that closeness ebb away. I'm not one to approach friendship or any relationship meekly. I am an intense person, and I have fairly high expectations of honesty and directness in all of my relationships, both of myself and of others. Sometimes it's not the best thing in the world, and I am learning to be a bit less rigid in my expectations of both myself and others. There are many people that I have met and grown close to over this amazing means of communication called the internet. I have grown closer to family who are far away...I have shared myself in ways that I was previously too self-conscious to share before, and through that have learned that I can be more open in person as well. I am learning to be silly and have fun, and occasionally be a little childlike...not things that I really had much opportunity to do as a child but qualities I value and admire in others. I'm learning...and so many people are helping me with that and accepting me as I look silly and foolish. But more than accepting me, they encourage me...they help me see what it is to be "normal" and have fun.

Lately, in addition to a newfound sense of spontaneity and adventure, I have found myself experiencing greater calm with myself and the world around me...more self-assurance to be as I am or feel I am in my heart. There are many people who have attributed to this, but one in particular to whom I owe a word of gratitude. I can't explain it, because I don't understand it...but somehow, his quiet acceptance of who I am, well, I can feel it, I can see it when I look into his eyes, I can feel it when he holds me, and I hear it in his voice. I hope he will forgive my foibles as I learn along the way...and I hope we will continue to grow in friendship, because I think he's a very, very amazing and special man. Thank you Rob for being my friend...every day with you I feel better about me. I like the person you are helping me to be. You may not even realize it, but I really like who I am when I am with you.