Thursday, July 1, 1999

Some Days Are Just A Struggle

Though most of my days are pretty upbeat, from time to time I hit "patches" where my self-confidence wanes, my outlook is a bit more bleak than usual, and I get myself into a funk. I find myself in this state now...and I am struggling to rid myself of the mood, the melancholia, that is making me feel about as gray and chilled as the skies and climate outside my window.

I have recently made some pretty major changes in my life. About two months ago, I left my job of 4.5 years, picked up my belongings and a new state where a good job opportunity awaited me and where I would be much closer to the man I love and adore. The move itself, packing, changing utilities over and whatnot, was all very stressful...but I must admit, I find it less stressful than what I am experiencing now. The upheaval of my household was temporary...the bills are sort of dying down...financially things are beginning to fall back into place...the boxes are all gone...the pictures are all hung.

What I find most disturbing are two things. In my new job, which I do still believe to be a wonderful growth opportunity for me, I am not meeting my own expectations for learning and contributing to this company. What is more, I fear that I may not be meeting my employer's expectations either. That leaves me uncertain, my confidence a bit shaky. The training I was expecting has not really my supervisor told me the other day, they have sort of fallen short in that. My gut feeling though, is that their expectation of my "taking the ball and running with it" may have been a bit overzealous, but nonetheless they still expect I should be learning. I am not the best "self-taught" individual...I do not learn well with just a book in hand. I hope the chat my supervisor and I had is not an indication they are ready to "abandon ship" with me. I have never been fired and it is not something that I would like to experience...though I suppose if it happens, it was meant to be yet another learning experience for me and I will deal with. Thankfully I would not have to deal with it alone.

My second uneasiness comes from feeling a bit "lost" without my close and dear friends who were merely 10 minutes away before. We still keep in touch regularly...we probably actually communicate more now than we did before because we make a concerted effort to chat now and then. But I miss knowing that I can jump in my car and just drive 10 minutes and be having coffee with my closest friend. Charlene and her hubby Rich have been my touchstones for the past 7+ years...they have been there no matter what catastrophe or joy is heaped upon my doorstep. I have the support and love of Rob up here...without it, I would be lost. But I am missing those friends who are "mine" as I have yet to make any of my own living here. The friends that I do have here are, of course, valuable to me. Not to claim they are not cherished. But my sense of independence is lacking...I am not settled enough or not adventurous enough, I am not sure which yet. I am struggling to feel self-sufficient emotionally. That scares me...I do not want, nor do I think it is healthy, to rely on just one person for my emotional support. I realize it will take time to make new friends. And it is unrealistic to expect those friendships to be as tried and true, at least immediately, as those I have developed over the past 9 years.

I wonder sometimes if I have adequately expressed my gratitude for the friendships that I have. I hope that those I love, and who apparently love me, realize how much their words of encouragement and love mean to me right now. I find myself needing them so much.

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